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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24340006">(my heart is like an island) Where Does This Ocean Go?</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rinoa11/pseuds/Rinoa11'>Rinoa11</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - Science Fiction, Alternate Universe - Space, Brainwashing, Child Abuse, Eventual Happy Ending, Fix-It of Sorts, Implied Childhood Sexual Abuse, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, M/M, Mystery, Power Dynamics, Slavery, Space Pirates</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-05-23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-04-05</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 07:21:04</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Explicit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Rape/Non-Con, Underage</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>9</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>40,532</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24340006</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rinoa11/pseuds/Rinoa11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>“I saw this at auction and bought it for you. This would be useful for you to stop you from getting lonely during your deep space research trips.”</i>
</p><p>-</p><p>Hubert's Father gifts him with a Companion to aid him during his deep space travel. Hubert does not want or desire it but is there more to Ferdinand than what meets the eye?</p><p>-<br/><b> There are some difficult and highly unpleasant scenes within this fic. They are marked off accordingly with summaries at the end of the chapters. Please stay safe and read the tags</b></p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Ferdinand von Aegir/Hubert von Vestra</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>62</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>183</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><ul class="associations">
      <li>For <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chryselis/gifts">Chryselis</a>.</li>



    </ul><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>This story will feature some disturbing themes as the chapters go on. I'm choosing not to tag them right now but I will flag them up when they do come.</p><p>This fic is a labour of love I came up with in a conversation with Chrys in January. It haunted me until I could find the time to sit down and write the thing. I hope you enjoy it.</p>
    </blockquote><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>This chapter mentions Child Trafficking but does not explicitly contain it.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Three weeks had passed since Hubert had last docked at the city-state of Enbarr. His small spacecraft was enough for him to do research, or that’s what the Federation Military was allowed to think. A simple biological researcher, from a noble family, interested in scientific research. It allowed him to make his way through the Old Adrestian Federation and further if he made appropriate fuel stops and didn’t push for warping but when you worked in a position like Hubert’s you needed to be flexible. Uncovering the vast corruption of the old regime required him to think on his feet and move even quicker with his network of spies and mercenaries at his beck and call with a push of a button on his datapad. Some may call it space piracy, but Hubert found that to be a tacky word. He preferred political espionage but others on the team such as Caspar found the word to be exciting, so piracy was generally how it was described during their conference calls.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hubert’s life danced to the tune of Princess Edelgard’s leadership. She magnificently led the Black Eagle Strike Team as they worked tirelessly to free the Old Adrestian Federation from the corruption that lay ensconced in the senate. It was clear to anyone with a brain that old Ionius was simply a figurehead these days but until he passed, there was little more the Black Eagles could do but give aid and assistance to the freedom fights that happened throughout the federation.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The afternoon had found him sitting in his favourite chair on the flight deck of his ship, with a cup of high-quality coffee, browsing through reports that Bernadetta had written on her travels with Petra and Dorothea to the Leicester Alliance to speak with their contacts there.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>What he didn’t expect was an alert from ship AI, Azrael. “Captain, a package has been left for you in the upcoming port from your father, Aldrich Von Vestra. Shall I map a course?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hubert sighed and rubbed his forehead with the back of his wrist. His relationship with his father was strained at best and hateful at worst. The only good things he had given him were training to become an excellent intelligence manager and a relationship with Edelgard that enabled him to crawl out from Aldrich’s brutal thumb. With age and time the man seemed to soften in his homelife, occasionally sending Hubert gifts but that didn’t stop his politics from being brutal and unfeeling as he worked with the Prime Minister Von Aegir to implement harsh immigration laws and taxation that only seemed to feed the upper echelons of society. Oh, what he would give to be able to tear it down with Edelgard, to strip away all the fancy underpinnings of high society to reveal the rotten core. Deep in his heart, he knew his father was probably at the centre of the corruption and he knew that he would not hesitate with disposing of him. But now was not the time. Now was the time to play nice and accept his stupid gifts.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Captain? Your decision?” Azrael chimed, interrupting his thoughts.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes. Yes, Azrael. Map course to port for remote pick up. I don’t want this to take long. We have to still get to Nuvelle Quadrant before the week ends.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“As you wish, Captain. Course set. Documentation has been sent to port. The gift from Aldrich Von Vestra shall be placed in Loading Bay One. Would you like to hear the accompanying message from Aldrich Von Vestra?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>His forehead gently met with the console as he grumbled, “Very well, Azrael. Show the message”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>His father’s voice played through the speakers, tinny and thin, </span>
  <em>
    <span>“I saw this at auction and bought it for you. This would be useful for you to stop you from getting lonely during your deep space research trips.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>A ding signalled to Hubert that the gift had been loaded successfully. He got up from his seat in front of the console and made his way to the stairs at the back of the ship. It wasn’t like one of the large imperial craft which could comfortably house at least ten passengers, but it was certainly bigger than a solo fighter ship. It was a small craft consisting of a modest flight deck which served as his main living space and office, a bedroom and a spare which was usually used by Edelgard or one of his team when needed. He had a kitchen, a pantry, and a bathroom with a bath. Below deck held a small laboratory suitable for holding samples and mixing Hubert’s beloved poisons, a bare-bones medical bay for emergencies, a storeroom, which hid his impressive armoury of weapons, gadgets and torture implements and then finally, the loading bay.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>As the door slid open with a gentle whizz he hoped that maybe the gift was a watch or something similarly inane. A piece of holo art? Some ancient music uncovered from a dig site? Or perhaps a little robotic pet like the ones he saw the ladies in the tearooms of Enbarr coo over. He couldn’t help but feel amusement when Edelgard’s eyes would glitter a little at such baubles. But it wasn’t any of those things. That would be too simple or quaint for his father. What he saw in the loading bay sickened him. It was a pod that bore striking similarities to those he had seen during his trafficking busts. They were built like mini-medical facilities, with the ability to keep any humanoid alive through deep space travels. He had found whole trading ships full of these filled with missing humans who had fallen on hard times or had been kidnapped for various reasons. They managed to release and help the ones that lived through the traumatic process but often, something went wrong during transit, causing the inhabitant to fall into a permanent coma or die and now Hubert was the owner of one.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>A pulse of tension twitched at his forehead from the sheer annoyance of this new wrench in his plans. Of course, he never would admit that what he felt was a deep unsettling fear which manifested itself with a tightening in his stomach, which honestly was probably from his caffeine addiction if he were frank with himself. It couldn’t be fear. He didn’t have time for that! He would need to contact Edelgard and hope that all the paperwork was in place or with the occupant of the pod. It honestly was going to be such a tedious exercise. Curse that man.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hubert made his way to the upper deck, sorting through the information in his mind like little index cards. There was no need to jump to the immediate worst conclusion, not yet. Surely his father would not show his ass in such a way to get himself arrested. Not unless there was a huge gain to make and Hubert could see no gains here, just that he’s annoying his eldest son and wasting his time. It was probably just a companion. Companions weren’t illegal. A questionable use of power but not illegal. Essentially Companions were created to be glorified maids but usually, they were gainfully employed by deep space workers to stop them from falling to space madness with some human interaction. Over the years, nobles adopted the trend as a symbol of status and luxury. Pretty things to help them with ship upkeep. Of course, nobility loved that! On top of this, they were generally good engineers and entertainers. It was common for most solo crew ships to have an android companion; they were similar enough to human companionship, but they did not consume the same resources so it meant that the captain of the ship wouldn’t starve in emergency situations. The humans were a luxury and Hubert wanted no luxuries except his freedom and exceptional coffee beans.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hubert hoped that this was just an android, less hassle that way. He needed a coffee and to not deal with this today. Not until he had dealt with the trading skirmishes on the borders of the Nuvelle quadrant and assassinated a pesky weapons merchant. He had messages to decipher, orders to give and materials to synthesize and the pod could take care of whatever was held inside, be it android or heavens forbid, human.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>-</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It took three days before he returned to the loading bay to look at the pod again. Frankly, if he were smart and if the sender had been anyone else, he’d probably just dispose of it immediately, but something told him in his gut that he needed to see what his father had sent him. He placed his hand on the datapad on the front and watched it blink to life. His worst fears were confirmed. This was a person. A healthy male human a few years younger than himself. What a sick joke... His father surely is laughing at his son, now the user of a frippy space concubine. How frustratingly frivolous. Hubert swipes through the information. There is shockingly little there, just his age, his life and health readings and his name </span>
  <span>–</span>
  <span> Ferdinand.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hubert sighs and goes to collect some clothes for the man, Ferdinand as he considers where he could drop him off. He digs through his drawer of sleepwear, selecting the softest and baggiest things he could find. Surely, he could arrange for him to be given work with the Adrestian Federation. Flames, if he loves being a companion so much, surely another ship would enjoy his comforts more than Hubert would. His readings looked to be healthy enough to handle most things. He could book him in with an appointment with Lin, get an assessment of his health and capabilities and then he could be processed somewhere and out of Hubert’s hair so he can get back to his important work for Edelgard.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>With a spare set of sleep clothes in hand and a tray of light food ready at the dining table, he pressed the unlock button. The pod lit up with beeping and hissing as various mechanical parts pressurized the chamber for the inhabitant, initializing the wake-up routine.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He sips his coffee, keeping an eye on the slow percentage bar and the health readings of Ferdinand as the process progressed. Several beeps and chimes signalled to him that oxygen levels were adjusting appropriately and that everything seemed to be going as well as it could. Eventually, after an hour, the door popped open to reveal Ferdinand for the first time.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He was a golden beauty, bathed in the sterile white light of the pod sensors. His long amber hair is tied loosely at the nape of his neck to stop it from tangling in transit. On his neck rests a metal band, a collar, with his name and a number for presumably identification purposes. His skin is perfect and unmarred, not a scar in sight. Nerves bubble up inside him. Hubert is unfamiliar with the ways of Companions. He never wanted or needed one and neither did anyone in the Black Eagles strike force. The organic ones were too expensive, and the android ones needed too much maintenance for a team like theirs. But seeing Ferdinand emerge, almost floating like a renaissance angel, dressed in only a pair of underpants, awakened something in him. His breath catches in his throat as he witnesses an event so beautiful, so pure that something twists deep inside his heart. A wrenching feeling of “</span>
  <em>
    <span>Oh… there you are”</span>
  </em>
  <span> even though he had never seen him before in his life. The faint scent of bergamot is nostalgic, a balm to his weary soul, hitting his nose as Ferdinand’s hair spills like melting honey from the loose ribbon. Hubert catches him in his arms and even though the gravity is helping him to lift the sculpture that Ferdinand is, he certainly was more solid than he had expected. But he is breathing and very much alive.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tawny eyelashes flutter open to reveal sleepy, eyes that glitter like polished amber. Ferdinand looks quizzical for a moment and then his arms grip Hubert tightly, embracing him. Hubert feels Ferdinand’s heart race as he clings to him, shaking and gasping in sheer panic, a mournful wail erupting from his mouth</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He doesn’t know what to do. He was considering knocking him out with a gentle press to a pressure point but Ferdinand’s body clearly read his mind and did the job for him so now he is left with this Adonis awkwardly slumped in his arms, on his spaceship, with no clue what to do with him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Curse his father.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>-</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Over the course of a few hours, Azrael was a huge source of help. His ship scoured all the data she could to find anything and everything possible about Ferdinand and the care of an organic Companion. To Hubert’s relief, as long as food was available, a place to sleep and an area to bathe, Ferdinand should be able to take care of himself. His readings in the medical bay had read him as healthy as a horse. So at least his father hadn’t sent him a bomb of diseases. As for the clothes matter… his sleepwear was a little tight over Ferdinand’s generous shoulders and thighs. He didn’t know how his father had managed to ascertain Hubert’s aesthetic type but… he managed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>As for Ferdinand himself, there was nothing about his ID number or him in any records aside from the auction that his father mentioned. It was a reputable auction too where Companions put themselves up for auction after having completed their training. Frustratingly, all the paperwork worked out at least as far as he could see. Not even a whiff of black-market involvement He’d have to send copies to Linhardt for further verification, but he trusted Azrael’s judgement… Then there was the matter of the panic attack. Was that normal after deep sleep?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The gentle clink of a tea set being placed down behind him disturbed Hubert from his thoughts. He spun around in his chair to see Ferdinand carefully setting out spoons and cups and saucers. The scent of Edelgard’s Hresvelg tea filled the room. He couldn’t help but stare in bewilderment as Ferdinand expertly put together a proper tea party that Edelgard would surely love.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ferdinand’s eyes met his own and he straightened up and smiled, bowing in a most noble fashion to introduce himself. “Hello, Master. My name is Ferdinand and I am here to care for your comfort on your voyages. I am highly skilled in cooking, cleaning, mending, basic ship repairs and medical care. I also can entertain as needed.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hubert couldn’t stop himself from scoffing at the ridiculous frivolity of it all. “That won’t be necessary. I plan to drop you at port off when the opportunity arises.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Panic filled Ferdinand’s face as he came up from his bow. “But! But! Master! I have to serve you! I must! Why else would you have purchased me?” he cried, trying to beseech Hubert with the biggest doe eyes, but it wouldn’t work. Hubert was set in his resolve. Ferdinand would only be a distraction.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I didn’t. My father thought it would be amusing to give you to me as a gift. You are unwanted and unneeded. Surely you can find work elsewhere within the Adrestian Federation with your wide skillset?” was Hubert’s scathing retort.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I can’t. That’s impossible.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What do you mean you can’t? You just listed off the beginnings of what sounds to be a vast resume of skills. You surely will find somewhere to work and live easily enough. I have a large enough network to make it so.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I can’t. It has to be you. When you opened the pod, the contract was sealed and now I am yours.” Ferdinand’s response was so… flat… sterile. Wrong.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hubert huffed and stood, “This isn’t some fairy tale situation, Ferdinand. Contracts can be broken legally, and you will be getting off my ship when you are able to do so!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ferdinand’s face reddened. His mouth opened and closed, and it looked like he desperately wanted to say something. Curious… But instead of whatever he had intended to say he gestured to the tea.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Please master… the tea is getting cold. Won’t you drink it?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hubert swept past him, proclaiming darkly, “I don’t drink tea.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>And that was the end of that.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>-</span>
</p><p>
  <span>After he had calmed himself from his outburst, he found Ferdinand in the kitchen area trying to prepare a meal from his meagre rations. Truthfully Hubert mostly survived off of meal replacement pouches, much to Edelgard’s chagrin. But if he had to care for Ferdinand that probably wouldn’t do…</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Master!” said Ferdinand as he entered in a way that reminded Hubert of a little happy dog, or a big dog in Ferdinand’s case.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Please don’t call me that. Hubert will do,” he began. “Come. I’ll show you to your quarters and the area in the storeroom where more food has been kept if you must insist on doing something.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ferdinand nodded and followed Hubert along the hallway to the sleeping quarters. “The bathroom is there and my room is further down the hall although I’d ask you not to disturb me unless it is an emergency.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They walked down the stairs and turned to the right to the storeroom. “The food is kept in freezers on the left-hand side. Please don’t go poking around here unnecessarily. I keep dangerous things for my work here and I don’t want to be cleaning up your mess. Any questions?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes… Well… Ma-Hubert… I thought that… I well I presumed… that you would,” he began, stammering as his face reddened so bright and luminous in the dimmed storeroom before looking at him through his tawny lashes. “I thought that you would want to sleep with me?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>If the words didn’t sound so wrong, so dissonant coming out of Ferdinand’s mouth he would laugh, instead, he found himself twisting his nose up in disgust. “I would never. Don’t get such preposterous ideas into your head. I will let you cook and clean and play a ditzy maid to keep you out of trouble while I work to find a place for you to go but if I ever hear you suggest such a thing like this again. Mark my words, you will regret it. Do I make myself clear?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Y-Yes Ma-Hubert!” Ferdinand squeaked with a tiny bow.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Good. Now do not trouble me. I won’t take dinner with you. Azrael will answer any further questions you need,” Hubert finished, turned away and left Ferdinand in the dark of the storeroom to find what he needed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>-</span>
</p><p>
  <span>An hour later the sound of a tray with a fragrant stew being sat down startled Hubert from his paperwork but when he looked behind him, Ferdinand was nowhere to be seen. Good. It was better this way.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The less fuss the better. He moved from the console with a stretch and ate his meal in silence. It was the most delicious meal he had had in a long time. Ferdinand seemed to work some magic as the meat melted in his mouth in a rich and creamy sauce. The potatoes were ever so fluffy and it all just felt like a warm comforting hug. At least Ferdinand could probably find gainful employment as a chef somewhere. He’d vouch for his skill himself if he kept producing meals this hearty and delicious.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Maybe he was a little too harsh… he’d apologize for his conduct in the morning. Try to smooth things over. After all, it wasn’t Ferdinand’s fault that his father had hoisted him upon him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>-</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Then again… the crying at night buried any ideas Hubert may have had about apologizing. It seemed that Ferdinand truly was a dog in more ways than one. It started as a faint sniffle before burbling up to mournful sobs that threatened to make Hubert tear his hair out. He wouldn’t, couldn’t go see Ferdinand. His stubbornness wouldn’t let him and the fear that if he did, he wouldn’t be able to deny him any request just to stop him from his pitiful crying. Thank goodness for Azrael. She would take care of it. She would at least do her best to muffle the sound so he could get some sleep.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>-</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Weeks passed and Hubert hated living with Ferdinand. He was too sweet. Too nice and helpful. His songs would echo through the ship as he swept and dusted. Azrael would thank him for maintenance and she even began to try to chat with Hubert more as a result of Ferdinand’s inane chattering. The food may be delicious, and the ship may be in great condition as a result of Ferdinand’s careful repairs but none of that was worth Hubert’s torment every time he saw Ferdinand out of the corner of his eye looking like a kicked puppy. None of it has been worth the crying he sometimes hears at night, that Hubert can’t find the courage to investigate the cause of. He does not want to get attached. He cannot afford to get attached but then a day comes where Hubert is pouring over a report Edelgard had sent him about a black-market of child trafficking most likely related to the people who hurt Edelgard’s family so long ago when he failed her so deeply. His nerves are shot, the tension is bubbling inside him and has nowhere to go. He is looking for a fight so Ferdinand will have to do.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>As the man placed the coffee down on the table next to him without a word, looking pained and tired as usual, Hubert struck. “Out with it then. What is causing your face to look like you’ve eaten nothing but lemons?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ferdinand stills, like a deer caught. He stands back, alarmed that Hubert had even uttered a word to him, for they had not spoken since that day in the storeroom. He blinks, once, twice, opens his mouth, closes it and visibly tries to find the words, and tries Hubert’s patience at the same time.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well? Out with it!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ferdinand mumbles something and hides behind his hair.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Speak up!” he yells, frustrated.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I just… I just wanted to serve you… to be close to you. It makes me happy seeing you enjoy my food and cups of coffee I bring you, but you never have any words to say to me. You never let me close. Of course, I’m miserable! This is torture! I’m supposed to be for your comfort and you won’t even USE me! Is that what you’re suggesting with your cold behaviour? That I wither away and DIE?!” By this point, Ferdinand is holding himself so tightly that his nails are digging little red crescents into his arms.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It is Hubert’s turn to blink in shock as he leans back in his chair, considering what Ferdinand has said. None of his feelings make any sense. He shouldn’t be having such an outburst… unless…</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He stands and strides over to Ferdinand grabbing him by the back of the neck with one hand and tugging his hair up. It sickens him how limp and pliant Ferdinand goes; he should be fighting him back but instead, he only gets a whimper as he tugs at the metal collar on Ferdinand’s neck. His mind goes to the report he had been reading. Trafficking large masses of children would be a hard thing to do unseen and unnoticed but with the use of illegal technology, it would be possible. Ferdinand clutches at Hubert’s arm as the collar is pulled upwards to reveal a small golden circle with a blinking blue dot right at the centre-right on the back of his neck.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Oh… Curse his father indeed. He should have been more paranoid… more cautious. He had a plant right here for weeks and he never even suspected anything. Bile rises up in Hubert’s throat but he swallows it down as he releases Ferdinand who tumbles to the ground in shock, turning back to the console. In his hurry, he calls the only person he can think to deal with it. Linhardt picks up.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes, Hubert? You woke me up from my nap… this had better be good. Oh! You’ve finally got a lover I see,” Lindhardt deadpans, his drowsy voice drawling across the connection.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No. I do not. This is Ferdinand, the gift from my father. I sent you documentation regarding him a few weeks ago.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You did but nothing interesting came up from those papers…” he trailed off tapping his fingers on his console. “I would have thought you’d have dumped him in some port town by now Hubert, going soft?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No. I’ve just been in deep space tracking Jeritza’s trail on Those Who Slither… I haven’t been near an Adrestian port since I picked him up. Besides, he has been useful but today I discovered something.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fascinating I hope?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Perhaps… but I think it’s rather disturbing,” he says as he pulls Ferdinand onto his lap. He goes down with a squeak, blushing crimson. He smells of earl grey and sugar cookies as he pushes Ferdinand’s hair aside to reveal a golden disk.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>A clatter is heard as Linhardt knocks aside whatever paperwork and books are on his console and only his forehead and topknot is seen as he presumably peers right at his screen. His voice sounds almost giddy, “You have to bring him in immediately, Hubert. I have to see this in person.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ferdinand glances at Hubert with worry and Hubert can’t help but pet Ferdinand’s back to soothe him. It doesn’t escape him how Ferdinand melts in his arms, a tiny sigh of contentment escaping his lips.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He arranges a time to bring Ferdinand to Linhardt’s lab and is sent a dossier of experiments he would like Hubert to perform on Ferdinand. He glances at it and discovers that most of them are to do with how Ferdinand takes instructions and reacts to physical contact. The instructions he can do no issues. Ferdinand obeys him without question to worrying degrees. It seems he will perform any and all tasks no matter how dangerous or foolish they are.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They sit together on the flight deck as Hubert brings a glass with an unknown liquid inside for one of these experiments.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“This is poison. I want you to drink it,” he explains as he hands Ferdinand the glass. He takes it without complaint and raises it to his lips. For a moment, a brief second, Ferdinand looks afraid but he is unable to do anything but what is asked of him so his eyes become stony and he tips the liquid into his mouth with no complaints, no objections for his own safety. He puts the glass down on the table and sits there, his fingers digging into his knees as he is trying not to shake into a thousand tiny pieces.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hubert’s heart twists as he looks Ferdinand in the eye. It is like staring at an animal that knows its about to die by a stronger predator. He’s seen that look many times in the eyes of his marks as he goes in for the kill but no one so innocent as Ferdinand. Surely that image will haunt him for the rest of his days.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He finds his voice, “It’s not poison… I just mixed some food colouring with water. Linhardt wanted to see how you react to taking instructions but… it’s clear you will do anything.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ferdinand slumps slightly, he looks down and Hubert can see the tears that have collected like dewdrops on his eyelashes. A sick thrill passes through them as he thinks about licking them off for a moment, but he chides himself and instead lets out one of his long and weary sighs. Ferdinand looks up, trying to hide any and all emotion and not quite succeeding before gasping as Hubert motions with his head to his knee as he opens his arms up.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It takes no time for Ferdinand to clamber up from his seat to join Hubert in his as he curls up on his knee and clings to him like a magnet. Hubert’s hands gently hold him, petting his hair and back as he hums for a moment. “You can cry now if you need to…” he gently murmurs and then Ferdinand is clinging tighter as a sob escapes his lips before a waterfall of dampness pools at Hubert’s neck as Ferdinand cries until he has no more tears in his body, no more energy left. It feels oddly nostalgic. Rather like how Edelgard and her friends would cry when they had cut their knees. Unfortunately, casting fake magic spells and forehead kisses would not fix things here but Hubert resolved to try and be a little kinder to Ferdinand. Then they would get to Linhardt and he would be rid of him and everything would be simple again.</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Well... I seem to be on a roll. Please don't expect chapters to come out this regularly but I hope to make the best of the momentum while I have it!</p><p>I hope you enjoy this chapter! I'd love to know what you think!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Every morning Ferdinand would wake up early. He would brush his hair, sometimes braiding it, usually not. He’d care for his hygiene and then go up to the kitchen to prepare coffee and breakfast for Hubert. He’d eat something himself if he felt like it, picking at things when he stopped vibrating out of his skin. He always felt like he was being pulled in ten different directions at once with the only grounding factor being Hubert and Hubert’s routine meals.</p><p>Except Hubert didn’t want to talk to him. Hubert didn’t even want him here in the first place. It made no sense, so Ferdinand made no sense. He tried to keep himself busy. He would repair bits of Azrael that needed fixing. He would browse the books in Hubert’s office but it was all in a language he didn’t understand or just dry legalese. He spent every moment of every day wanting to scream. Sometimes he’d let out a song out instead. Where it came from he didn’t know but the words slipped off his tongue like magic spells that came from the very depths of his soul. If he closed his eyes sometimes, he’d see ghosts of women in large dresses, dancing and laughing. He didn’t understand why. Sometimes when the pain in his stomach and his chest would become unbearable, he would sit against the glass of his bedroom window and watch the stars slowly pass them by. His head would fill with white noise and he would cease to exist until it was time to prepare another meal for Hubert.</p><p>Over the weeks, Ferdinand learned that Hubert was not a nasty man. Despite all his sharp words and irate behaviour towards Ferdinand, he was actually very kind. The way his eyes would wrinkle when he called his teammates to discuss reports. The way he would fluster when someone called Edelgard would talk to him. It was very sweet to watch. He cared so much for their successes and the mission’s (whatever it was) success that he secluded himself to the deepest parts of the galaxy to plan and keep an eye on their foe. He seemed to love his home, his team so deeply that everything else came secondary. Ferdinand couldn’t fault him for any of his behaviour. He would daydream about arguing with him. Wrapping him up in ribbons of words and impressing him with intellect and fast thinking. But the words would never come. All he was left to wish for was that Hubert would be softer… say thank you… smile at him… reach out and touch his hand… hold him. How he wished to be held. Does Hubert not hurt as Ferdinand does, constantly alone, with no touch to take the pain away? He didn’t need much… just something. Anything!</p><p>-</p><p>Then came the day where he snapped. He shouldn’t have yelled and cried like a child, but he was in so much pain. It was so hard. The words wouldn’t come out… but if he focused on the pain… if he… just focused a little harder and broke through the static, the lump in his throat to share his feelings, his pain!</p><p>“I just… I just wanted to serve you… to be close to you. It makes me happy seeing you enjoy my food and cups of coffee I bring you, but you never have any words to say to me. You never let me close. Of course, I’m miserable! This is torture! I’m supposed to be for your comfort and you won’t even USE me! Is that what you’re suggesting with your cold behaviour? That I wither away and DIE?!”</p><p>And then Hubert touched him! Sweet bliss!</p><p>After that, he touched him more often. He would pat his head awkwardly and Ferdinand’s heart fluttered each time. He would ask him to prepare very particular meals with certain ingredients. He would request Ferdinand to recite poetry that he was not aware that he knew but he performed them to utter perfection. And then Hubert asked him to drink poison. Why would he hurt himself? Potentially kill himself? Of course, he trusted Hubert to save him but… he was afraid and yet he drank it down anyway. One swift gulp. His body moved like it should, as Hubert, as Master commanded. If Ferdinand could he would scream and cry but then Hubert told him that it was only water and held him close and let him cry and then… a horrible feeling a compulsion, a <em>command</em> sweeps through him.</p><p>Ferdinand finds himself longing to wrap his hands around Hubert’s neck and to squeeze. He wants to reach into Hubert’s inner jacket pocket and grab a knife that he knows is stored there and thrust it right into Hubert’s chest again and again and again and again and then he would plunge it into his own because that’s what Master wants. That’s what Master asked for him to do. That’s what Master made him for.</p><p>A wail drags itself from inside his body as he yells “NO! No No No No!”</p><p>Hubert looks so worried as he cradles Ferdinand’s face with his ink-stained hands as he shakes and sobs and cries and howls. “Ferdinand! What’s wrong?” he asks. He’s talking to him like he would a child. It feels familiar and yet… not. “It wasn’t poison, it’s okay! You’re safe. We’re going to go to Linhardt tomorrow and we’re going to get you checked out. You’re going to be fine.”</p><p>But Ferdinand can’t stop screaming, he can’t stop crying, he can’t stop fighting with every inch of his body and what little he has of his mind the compulsion that sears through his head. He turns in Hubert’s arms, launching himself to the floor as he vomits. He feels so cold. He distantly hears Hubert get up from his chair and leave the room as he slumps. He failed. But he didn’t! But he failed the master! But he…</p><p>Ferdinand’s head slowly fills with white noise.</p><p>-</p><p>His mind returns in pieces. Like a glass slowly being filled with milk. He’s no longer on the Azrael and Hubert is not with him. He is in a pale room. In the corner, there is a console with books and notes lying next to the keyboard. A half-eaten sandwich lies abandoned on a plate. Ferdinand pulls his focus closer. There is a trolley of medical equipment close by. A clipboard with notes hastily attached lies on his side table. His vision is still too blurry to make out any specific words. What does it matter anyway?</p><p>Ferdinand turns his face back to look at the ceiling tiles. He closes his eyes for a minute, taking stock of what he should do. He should find Hubert. He tries to sit up but a gentle hand presses on his shoulder, preventing him. He opens his eyes to see that the hand belongs to a skinny man with long green hair in a white lab coat.</p><p>“Good. You’re awake,” the man says. This must be Linhardt…</p><p>Ferdinand nods. “I am awake. Where am I and where is Hubert?”</p><p>The man pulls up a chair next to the bed and grabs the clipboard. He pulls a pen out of his hair and pops the cap off with his teeth, scribbling down some notes. “You are at a place called Garreg Mach and Hubert is meeting Edelgard and the rest of the team. I’m here monitoring you. I ran some tests on you while you slept. We can talk about the results when you’re feeling a bit better.”</p><p>Ferdinand hadn’t heard of Garreg Mach before and he had only seen some members of this team during video conferences. He wanted more clarification “The team?”</p><p>“Yes. What do you think Hubert does, Ferdinand?”</p><p>He sat quietly thinking, for a moment but Linhardt gave him all the time in the world to answer. He did yawn and rub at his eyes for a moment. He probably needed more sleep… What did Hubert do exactly? Such things were inconsequential to him, he just had to make sure that Hubert… <em><strike>died as master wanted</strike></em> was well cared for and happy. His head hurt. A whimper escaped his throat.</p><p>Linhardt sounded almost bored as he waved his hand languidly. “Don’t hurt yourself. Garreg Mach is a secret base in the middle of the Fodlan Galaxy. Hubert is the second in command of the Black Eagles Strike Force, technically we operate in piracy but I choose to see it as freedom fighting. He works under Princess Edelgard’s command to cleanse the Adrestrian Federation of corruption, yadda yadda. There’s also a couple of other branches of people you might meet too. We collaborate and stuff but… it’s all very complicated and boring. But I get to do my research here in peace… well mostly.“</p><p>That all sounded in line with what Hubert seemed to be doing. But a secret base? That was a lot to take in but he just wanted to know one more thing.</p><p>“Can I see Hubert?”</p><p>“Right now, Mister Ferdinand, you should be resting. I had wanted to wait to tell you this but to put it plainly, your brain activity is reading some worrying abnormalities involving memory storage and nerve activity that I’m sure is connected to that chip on the back of your neck.”</p><p>“My chip?”</p><p>“Yes. Hubert showed it to me on the call a couple of weeks ago. Do you remember?”</p><p>Ah yes… he did remember. The first time Hubert held him. The first time the pain stopped. He can’t tell Linhardt these things so he nods.</p><p>“Right…” Linhardt pauses to yawn. “So… the chip on the back of your neck is very similar to ones we’ve seen during trafficking cases. A genius idea, highly illegal and sickening but genius. We’re not exactly sure what it does, I have hypothesis especially after monitoring you for a week. Anyway, Hubert has left you here with me. With your contribution, we can potentially help out hundreds and thousands of people.”</p><p>Ferdinand’s chest tightened like a hand had reached into his chest cavity to grab at his heart and squeeze until it almost popped. He had been asleep for a week?! That was unacceptable! He sat up in a flash and grabbed Linhardt’s arm, squeezing tight until the man yelped, ignoring the rapid beeps and alarms going off in the room. “I want to see Hubert… I need to see Hubert… Please let me see Hubert… I beg of you, Doctor! Please.”</p><p>Linhardt grabbed a syringe and jammed it into Ferdinand’s neck. As the cloudy floaty feeling took over his grip on the Doctor’s arm loosened, Linhardt set it to his side and stood up scribbling frantically on his clipboard while muttering things about sharing his results and</p><p>“Please…” he whimpered but his words went unheard, unnoticed, ignored. “Please…” Linhardt left the room. The sound of the door locked. The white noise filled his head once more.</p><p>“Please… Mother… Please let me see her…”</p><p>-</p><p>Linhardt rushed down the hallways with his clipboard. He needed to do more tests to see if his theory was true but so far all the results have been disturbing, to say the least. He needed to talk to Hubert about his findings, immediately. Especially if he could be so hysterical as that. Linhardt didn’t have the energy to deal with all this nonsense. Sure the discovery and the science behind it all was fascinating but… goddess above. What a faff.</p><p>He found Hubert taking tea with Edelgard in the garden biome. It was a weird sight. Seeing pirates drinking tea like prissy nobles. Well, they were nobles, most of the people in the Garreg Mach base was either related to it or an actual descendent of one of the grand families that went off exploring in the galaxy, popping a flag down in honour of their kingdom, empire or whatnot and getting a title for a pat on the head. What a pile of bullshit. Especially when these families cling so tightly to power, turning a blind eye to the corruption that slithers beneath their beloved governments. The Garreg Mach alliance would tear it all to the ground. They had enough brilliant minds to make it happen… they just needed to find an in point to the problem. Maybe Ferdinand would be the Trojan horse that did the trick. But Linhardt didn’t know which side was Troy yet. Them or the enemy?</p><p>“Hubert, we need to talk about Ferdinand,” he said, waving his clipboard in the dark man’s face.</p><p>Edelgard’s eyes widened in alarm. “Ferdinand? <em>That </em>is his name?”</p><p>“Yes, yes. Now. I had to knock him out because he wouldn’t stop crying for you.”</p><p>“For me? You mean he woke up?”</p><p>“Yes but he got hysterical, almost broke my arm too. Strong thing. He seems to have an attachment to you. I’m guessing it’s the programming protocol. I’ve spent the week trying to decipher it but it’s very complex and I’ll probably have to collaborate with Hanneman”</p><p>“I’d rather you didn’t do that. Remember what I said about being discreet”</p><p>“Yes yes, you’re embarrassed about your father giving you a glorified sexual companion, wonderful but really. I am struggling with this” Linhardt grumbled, pulling up a chair as he pointed at various data sets for Hubert to look over.</p><p>“Your father gave you a Companion called Ferdinand…” Edelgard said again.</p><p>“Yes Lady Edelgard, that is his name. I don’t see what you are wanting me to look at Linhardt…”</p><p>“The release of cortisol. The man is in incredible amounts of pain that most people would probably faint from. It’s remarkable. I’d like to test something but I’d need you there.”</p><p>Edelgard rose from her seat and left the room, shaking her head. Linhardt noticed for a moment how disturbed she looked but decided to press on with Hubert.</p><p>“I was planning on leaving Garreg Mach to return to my mission in a few days…”</p><p>“But my experiments! I need to see if your touch varies the pain response. I think it would lessen but I’m not sure if it’s just you or if it would work with anyone… I’m also working on accessing his memory banks.”</p><p>“But he’s not a robot,” Hubert sighed, exasperated and looking ready to leave.</p><p>“Listen! You might be happy to be rid of him and pawn him off on someone else, but you saw the children that we released from those cargo ships. You were there. If we could figure out what is going on with Ferdinand’s chip, we could help so many. Aren’t you a whatever it takes kind of guy?” Hubert sighs again and nods. Linhardt knows that he has him. “I have a feeling, Hubert.”</p><p>“Very well, I will stay and take part in your experiments. It wouldn’t hurt for Edelgard to have my presence here for longer but please… keep the research discreet. If my father is involved, I dread to think what the end result would be.”</p><p>“Thank you. I shall see you bright and early tomorrow then.” Linhardt said nodding in satisfaction as he rose from his seat, gathering his notes. He had so much data he still needed to analyse, and he needed to see if his sensors picked up any new interesting readings from Ferdinand’s brain waves. It would probably take him all night but if he was strategic about his naps… he could do it.</p><p>-</p><p>Hubert found Linhardt in his office early the next day, slumped over his work asleep. Caspar had managed to corner Hubert in the dining area, shoving a cereal bar and a thermos of coffee at him for the sleepy scientist.</p><p>“You have the same bad habits but if I’m here at least I’m going to make sure he feeds himself even if he won’t let me interrupt his work” was what he had chided Hubert with, shoving another cereal bar at him for good measure. Hubert took the hint and walked away pocketing one of the bars for later, not seeing the look of Caspar’s satisfaction as he made his way to Linhardt’s office.</p><p>Hubert cleared his throat as he set down the coffee far enough away so Linhardt would not knock it over as he shot up with a smudge of ink on his face, mumbling something about “memory storage”</p><p>“Good morning, Linhardt. Caspar sends his regards along with this for you” he says, pushing the coffee and cereal bar in his direction.</p><p>“Oh, thank you.” Linhardt opens the package of the bar and nibbles away at it with sips of coffee in-between. Hubert waits patiently until he is done before Linhardt shuffles through his notes, scribbling something down. Hubert clears his throat once more.</p><p>“Oh… yes, you are here to do an experiment. I wonder if he is awake? We can wake him up if he isn’t. It would maybe be good if you could wake him. You got my notes last night on how this experiment was to be conducted?”</p><p>“Yes, you wanted to see how my touch affects his cortisol production. I’m assuming you want to measure his readings while I touch him.”</p><p>“Yes yes, touch, cuddle, all that stuff. I’ve also been analysing the chip and trying to crack it, the programme that’s running on it is a fascinating thing. Ferdinand’s memory banks…”</p><p>“Memory banks? But he’s a human?”</p><p>“Yes, he is but the chip… the chip seems to be recording and storing all of his memory for him and sealing away any other data. I also would like it if you could ask him what he remembers. I tried to make a pass at that sort of thing, but he almost broke my arm so I’m not doing this again without you.”</p><p>“You did say but I didn’t know you were looking at his memory function… Shall we get on with it?”</p><p>Linhardt nodded and led Hubert into the next room where Ferdinand was being kept. Ferdinand was still asleep, curled up on his side with his arms cradled into his chest. His hair spilt all over the pillow, with a section pinned back so Linhardt could stick contact tape attached to wires on the chip.</p><p>“How do you get all these complicated readings anyway?” Hubert mumbled as Linhardt pottered around the console, launching the programmes to take the readings.</p><p>He pointed to the ceiling where a little blinking light flashed blue, red, green, white over and over.</p><p>“It’s my own AI, she takes readings of everyone in this room with special sensors. I’m calibrating him right now to ignore everyone but Ferdinand. He makes for a great security system.”</p><p>“How did you develop it?”</p><p>“Talking to the Nabateans helps. I know you’re not fond of them, but they do have great tech. I just had to steal a little bit and remake it for myself,” Linhardt explained as he typed away on his console, taking sips of coffee here and there.</p><p>Hubert sighs and shakes his head. He didn’t trust the Nabateans at all. An ancient sometimes humanoid alien race, that often held a bit of a god complex regarding galaxy matters, to say the least. However, he held his tongue and waited for Lin to give him the thumbs up to wake Ferdinand. After a small beep, a green light shone down onto Ferdinand, scanning up and down his body and then it faded.</p><p>“Alright we’re good to go, that’s the initial base capture taken. Whenever you’re ready”</p><p>Hubert approached Ferdinand and perched on the chair next to the bed as he leaned forward to brush a strand of hair out of his face. His fingers trailed along the cheekbone before they tapped him gently on the shoulder.</p><p>“Ferdinand… wake up” he murmured, too low for Linhardt to hear.</p><p>Ferdinand’s eyes opened immediately and he sat up.</p><p>“Ma-Hubert! I am sorry I slept in! Would you like me to make you breakfast?”</p><p>“That won’t be necessary, Ferdinand. I’m just here to visit you and check that you’re doing okay,” Hubert reaches out to hold one of Ferdinand’s hands. “Are you hungry?”</p><p>Ferdinand looks like he’s in a dreamy bubble as Hubert holds his hand. His voice comes out in a melodic sigh as he says “No… I’m okay…” He squeezes Hubert’s hand gently, stroking his thumb over the back of it.</p><p>“I’d like you to eat anyway. It’s been a long time since you have I’m sure.” Hubert moves from his seat to the bed and slots Ferdinand into his arms with no complaint. He holds him like one would a child. Ferdinand’s eyes are sparkling and his cheeks grow pinker. His hand is gripped tighter and pressed against the softness of Ferdinand’s chest. He doesn’t need Linhardt to tell him that Ferdinand’s heart is racing. Hubert lets go of Ferdinand’s hand and cups his cheek to pet it gently. Ferdinand whimpers, nuzzling the hand so his lips brush the meat of his hand. tears gathering on his lashes. The lightest gasp escapes Ferdinand’s lips as Hubert retracts his hand. His own hands reaching out for a moment before pulling back to be folded tightly on his lap.</p><p>Hubert digs in his pocket for the cereal bar Caspar gave to him. He brings it out and snaps a small piece off, holding it up to Ferdinand’s lips. Ferdinand leans forward to eat the piece of food, looking up at Hubert with a heated gaze as he licks the crumbs off of his lips. He breaks eye contact, feeling his face warm to an uncomfortable temperature, snapping another piece off and holding it out for Ferdinand to eat.</p><p>Ferdinand practically crawls into his lap to eat the new piece, his lips brushing against the fleshy pads of Hubert’s fingertips, licking gently as a kitten would. To Hubert’s horror, Ferdinand’s erection presses against him. When he looks at his face again Ferdinand’s face is flushed, he’s smiling a hazy smile that only comes from extreme pleasure. Ferdinand’s hand reaches out to Hubert’s shoulder, trailing up to his neck. Ferdinand’s thumb squeezes gently on his Adam's apple as he bites down on his lip with a sweet smile.</p><p>“Do you want to kiss me, master?” he murmurs, voice husky and warm like honey left out in the sun. Ferdinand grinds down into Hubert’s lap, his words dropping to a gentle whisper filled with desperation and longing, “Please kiss me.”</p><p>Hubert feels like an animal caught as he looks over at Linhardt who is scribbling wildly for any sort of help, advice. He waits a moment for him to call it off but as Ferdinand’s fingers brush against his throat once more he finds his answer. As much as he would like to get lost in the fantasy of kissing him. He can’t. Ferdinand needs help. Not to play into his Father’s hands anymore.</p><p>Hubert’s hands grip Ferdinand’s shoulders and gently push him off. “Get off my lap,” he commands. Ferdinand shoots up, his face changing to that blank look as he slides off of Hubert’s lap and back onto the bed. Hubert returns to the chair and by the time he looks back at Ferdinand, his face is neutral, pinched slightly but neutral.</p><p>Ferdinand’s voice comes out small, “Did I fail you?” he asks.</p><p>Hubert startles, feeling something. Possibly shame but he didn’t want to focus on that right now. “No… no, you didn’t fail me. I just… don’t think now is the right time to be partaking in that behaviour.”</p><p>“You will then? You have changed your mind from earlier?”</p><p>“Earlier?”</p><p>“Yes, when we first met. You told me you didn’t want to be near me. Will you be near me now?”</p><p>“No Ferdinand. I will not be with you and I won’t sleep with you.”</p><p>Ferdinand slumps slightly. “I only want to serve you.”</p><p>“You did say that…” and then an idea crossed his mind. “You serve me by being here and being good for Linhardt.”</p><p>Ferdinand’s head tilted like a dog’s would, “You want me to sleep with Linhardt?”</p><p>“No… I just want you to cooperate with him and not hurt him if he tries to assess you. You should cooperate with him.”</p><p>Ferdinand nodded. “As you wish Hubert. I will not harm Linhardt.”</p><p>Hubert nodded and looked at Linhardt, hoping that this would be enough data. He glanced up at him and mouthed “memory” at him before returning to his notes.</p><p>“Ah… yes. I had meant to ask you something, Ferdinand.”</p><p>“Yes?”</p><p>“Do you remember anything before you joined me on the Azrael?” The green light blinked on again and took another snapshot.</p><p>“Before?” Ferdinand looked so confused, his eyebrows creasing as his fists clenched on his lap. “No… No, I don’t. But I don’t need to.”</p><p>“What about the songs you sing, the meals you cook? You surely must have learned them somewhere.”</p><p>Ferdinand began to show more and more distress as Hubert pressed on. His breathing quickened and his eyes flew around frantically.</p><p>“I don’t… I don’t know… I don’t… It hurts… Please… Please… No…” Ferdinand babbled, curling up on himself as Linhardt stood with a syringe ready to strike.</p><p>Ferdinand looks up to see Linhardt, his eyes fly to the syringe and screamed. “NO NO <em>NO</em> I’LL BE GOOD I’LL BE GOOD! MASTER, PLEASE!”</p><p>Hubert raises his hand for Linhardt to wait and instead moves back onto the bed, despite his best judgement and brings Ferdinand into his arms. This must be pity he feels. He strokes Ferdinand’s hair as he sobs himself into exhaustion.</p><p>When he is sure that Ferdinand is asleep, Hubert untangles himself, looking down at his tearstained shirt. He’ll have to change before meeting with Edelgard.</p><p>“Did you get your data?” he says, his voice sounding wearier than he would like.</p><p>“Yes, thank you, Hubert. Good thinking there on your part. I’ll share the results when they’re processed.”</p><p>Hubert nodded, his eyes still on Ferdinand. He pulled up a blanket and covered him, smoothing his hair down into neatness and then he turned and left the room to go change his shirt before meeting Edelgard.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I'm just as baffled as you are by my writing speed. This is not normal but hey ho I'm riding this wave until it throws me off.</p><p><b>THERE IS IMPLIED SEXUAL ASSAULT IN THIS CHAPTER</b><br/>It is bracketed by two instances of<br/><b> ********</b>    if you wish to skip. </p><p>A summary of the scene will be in the end notes if you did skip. The tags have been altered to reflect this change. Please be kind to yourselves.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The corridors of Garreg Mach are dimly lit at night. Edelgard has spent the day coordinating with Dimitri and Claude on where their new shipments of food and fuel should go within the kingdom, the alliance and the federation. It was a bit of a headache, to say the least, but it meant it kept Hubert out of her hair for the moment. The Strike Force was happy to have him back for the foreseeable future, no matter how awkwardly he dodged their questions on his premature return. They thought he would be trailing the clues Jeritza left him to do with the Slitherers and so had she but then he brought back Ferdinand and everything changed.</p><p>She wandered through the hallways from her room in her nightgown to Linhardt’s office, the same path she took the night before. It was foolish of Hubert to think she would not meddle. Especially after telling her who this Companion was.</p><p>Ferdinand... She hadn’t heard that name in a long time. Not since before her years in captivity in the Faerghus territories thanks to her uncle while he wiped out most of her family. Ferdinand had disappeared shortly before she was taken. She remembers reading about it on a datapad that she had managed to pinch for a few moments early on in her captivity. He had died on holiday with his mother on the way to the Gloucester Estates. She was distraught for weeks at the news. Looking back on things now, it was probably intended that she saw the news. They wanted to break her. Make her obedient. Her half-brother, Dimitri, was the only one who kept her sane during those years while she feared for her family, her siblings… her father. Her father is no longer the man he used to be. He’s just a puppet figurehead for a corrupt government. She will tear it down. Tear down all the experiments that she knew they did. They did them to her siblings, they died for them and she survived… and she refused to be a victim. She would get her revenge. She would get her justice, for herself and her family.</p><p>The door of Linhardt’s office was locked but her key card allowed her access to everywhere. Being one of the leaders of Garreg Mach had perks. She snuck in and disabled the security system and went straight to Ferdinand’s side.</p><p>She almost sobbed yesterday at the sight of him. He looked so different than she remembered. He used to be so small, his hair short and messy. A round face filled with puppy fat and youth. Cheeks that she liked to pinch and squash until he cried big globules of tears and snot ran down his button nose. He was a little marshmallow of a boy in a sailor suit and now… He was breathtaking like a piece of fine art but not the sweet little boy she knew. How could Hubert have forgotten him?</p><p>Tonight, she knew what she had to do. She had sneakily managed to gain access to Lin’s reports. She didn’t like to spy on her own, but this was special. She pieced together what she needed to know. Ferdinand remembered nothing, he was suspect to very complex brainwashing that made him crave touch, need it even. How did Aldrich Von Vestra get his hands on him? She had so many questions and Ferdinand himself couldn’t answer them but she wanted to do something for him. So… she sat down on the chair next to the bed and gently tapped Ferdinand’s shoulder.</p><p>Ferdinand sat up, his amber eyes blinking slowly in the dim light. His head tilted as he assessed who she was.</p><p>“Ferdinand…” Edeldgard started, her voice more full of emotion than she had intended it to be. Oh, flames… he really was alive. “My name is Edelgard. I am…”</p><p>“You are Edelgard, Hubert’s, my master’s, commander,” he finished as if by rote.</p><p>“Yes but… I am also his friend. Just like I’m your friend.”</p><p>“Friend? I do not understand…” He looked confused but not distressed.</p><p>Edelgard’s gentle smile strained. “We were friends a long time ago. I’d like to still be your friend if you’d like? Can you come with me, Ferdinand? I’d like to show you something I think you would like.” She held her hand out for Ferdinand to take.</p><p>He nodded and stood up holding her hand as a child would. Flames, he was so tall. It was a shame that he only wore sleepwear. She’d have to get some proper clothes for him.</p><p>“We’re going on a secret adventure Ferdinand, but we’ll be back before morning. Can you keep a secret?”</p><p>Ferdinand looked scared for a moment, but he nodded, shuffling closer so he pressed against her side as they walked down the hallways. Interesting…</p><p>They walked together in silence holding hands through the hallways. Ferdinand looked bewildered as they passed by various rooms until they reached the back exit of the main building.</p><p>Ferdinand gasped at what he saw. Garreg Mach was built inside a large dome, the ceiling hundreds of miles in the air, mimicking the atmosphere of a planet. Out here was a garden filled with grass and trees. The stars shone above in their endless magnitudes, the nebulae pluming clouds of colour. White gazebos framed by the gentle light of the glittering galaxies above. Edelgard led him to one such gazebo where she had asked for a tea set to be delivered by Lorenz. She didn’t tell him why; their meeting could wait until Ferdinand felt better but the look on Ferdinand’s face at the elegant tea set was worth it.</p><p>“This is Southern Fruit Blend tea,” he murmured as she pulled out the chair for him.</p><p>She poured him a cup and handed it to him, watching with a small smile as he sniffs the tea and sips it. He is silent, hair tumbling over his shoulders as he gazes down into the amber liquid in the cup, his finger stroking over the china rim. She pours a cup for herself and they quietly drink tea lit by the patchwork of the galaxies.</p><p>After a time he looks up from the cup. His eyes are so blank and lost. It reminds her of when she looked at herself in the mirror after she was taken away. “Why did you take me out here? I’m not sure I’m supposed to be out of the room… Will Hubert be angry?” he asks.</p><p>Edelgard longs to reach across the table to grab Ferdinand’s hand and squeeze it tightly, to reassure him. But the balance here feels so delicate that if she falters she will have lost the gentle, careful trust she is trying to build with Ferdinand. She can’t risk having him bolt off into the night. She meets his gaze and smiles instead. “No. Hubert wouldn’t dare be angry with me. I just wanted to spend time with you. When you finish your tea, I have something else to show you.”</p><p>Ferdinand nodded and put his teacup down, waiting patiently for Edelgard to take him elsewhere. It was a shame to abandon half a pot of good tea. Never mind… they could drink more tea another time. She stood and held her hand out again. He grasped it and allowed himself to be led through the gardens, along the winding paths, flanked by rose bushes that gently perfumed the night air to a set of buildings behind the bushes.</p><p>This was where the livestock was kept for the kitchens but far at the back were the horses. Not entirely necessary for a place such as this but they were well-loved and cared for and ridden in the fields of Garreg Mach by those who enjoyed it.</p><p>When Ferdinand was small, Edelgard remembered he had a beautiful golden horse called Titania. She was a lovely sweet mare that Ferdinand seemed to love with every breath in his body. Their tea parties would frequently be filled with Ferdinand almost bouncing out of his chair as he told Edelgard all sorts of adventures he would go on with her. At the time it was a little bit dull. She was only little and would have much rather have been playing knights and dragons with him and Hubert but she couldn’t stop him from telling her all about how Titania loved polo mints and apples.</p><p>Ferdinand wandered over to the stable door like a ghost. He clutched the wooden door his breath shaky as he gazed upon the horses, either sleeping or lazily munching hay. Edelgard touched his elbow and handed him an apple that she had produced from her nightgown pocket.</p><p>“You know what to do, I trust?” she asked gently.</p><p>“It feels like a dream… how is any of this real?” he responded as one horse approached to sniff at Ferdinand. Tears welled up in his eyes as he held the apple up for the horse to bite, his other hand gently touching the side of the mare’s face, scratching instinctively at just the right spots.</p><p>Ferdinand leaned forward to touch his face against the horse. He closed his eyes and breathed in the warm smell of hay, after a time he opened his mouth and spoke. “I don’t have any memory of this… I don’t have memories of many things. Hubert asked me earlier what I remembered but… I don’t remember anything but I can do things and produce words and melodies and actions but I don’t know where or how I am able to do them… I never thought about it before… but now I am. It’s scary.”</p><p>Edelgard stayed silent, not wanting to spook Ferdinand but she wished for nothing more than to embrace him and tell him that she would be here for him, no matter what happened. She swore to the stars above them right now that she would protect him. She would help him and bring back the brightest smile she ever knew.</p><p>He stands up straight after a time, with one final pet to the horse’s nose and turns to face Edelgard. She smiles warmly at him and holds her hand out once more to lead him back to his room. She tucks him into bed and kisses his forehead, pressing the silent promise she made into his skin.</p><p>-</p><p>Ferdinand wakes up to a quiet morning. He sits up and looks over the room. Hubert is here talking to Linhardt and his heart leaps in his chest. But Hubert doesn’t look happy. The crinkles that form in the corner of his eyes aren’t there but the crease in between his eyebrows when something is troubling him is.</p><p>They both look over in his direction, faces grave and then go back to talking between themselves. Ferdinand rises, his hands itching to do something. He starts cleaning up the surrounding area. He makes his bed, he braids his hair, he organizes the tools into neat little piles and gathers up the documents and books also placing those into piles of their own. Linhardt watches him all the while and after a moment he gets up and approaches.</p><p>“Ferdinand, I need to talk to you,” he says.</p><p>Ferdinand stops what he is doing and clasps his hands in front of him and listens.</p><p>“I have been running some virtual trials for the disengagement of your chip and it’s turning out to be quite the trial. I think I have figured out a way to deactivate it, but the results could be undesirable.”</p><p>Ferdinand looks at Hubert. He’s frowning. Hubert sighs. The pain in his chest spreads. Has he failed?</p><p>But everything feels better for a moment when Hubert steps closer and holds him close. He listens to Hubert’s heartbeat, slow and steady in his chest. “You’re upset,” Ferdinand says.</p><p>“So are you,” Hubert responds, his hands combing through his hair. It feels nice.</p><p>“Did I fail the tests?”</p><p>“No. You didn’t fail anything but I’m sorry about this,” he says as he stabs a needle into Ferdinand’s neck. “We just don’t want you hurting yourself.”</p><p>A wheeze escapes his lips as the world tilts. But it’s okay because he’s in Hubert’s arms. He sees Linhardt approach and feels him attach a headset to him. He wants to scream but Hubert is still holding him. His eyes look at him and Hubert looks sad. Why is Hubert sad? He has failed if Hubert is sad…</p><p>He is lowered back into the bed. Hubert sits next to him, holding his hand. Ferdinand would probably be more scared if Hubert wasn’t holding his hand. Hubert is a kind man.</p><p>He sees Linhardt return to his console and begin typing in something.</p><p>“Alright, standby for manual upload,” Linhardt says. His vision begins to blur slightly. He’s crying, the tears leave hot trails down his cheeks. He’s scared but he can’t say anything. Hubert squeezes his hand gently and he hears Lindhart count down and when he reaches one, everything goes black.</p><p>-</p><p>Ferdinand is on a beach. An ocean spreads out far into the distance, the waves crashing against the sand. In the distance, he can see a little blue and white house. He feels a tug on his sleeve. When he looks down, he sees a small boy. Probably around twelve years old. His face is just like his but rounder, softer.</p><p>“Where am I? Who are you?” Ferdinand asks.</p><p>The small boy smiles sadly. “I am you,” the boy replies. “We are at mummy’s secret house.”</p><p>“Why am I here?” he asks but before the boy can respond the ground caves in and Ferdinand falls into a deep dark abyss. He can see the boy, himself, reaching for him at the edge as he falls further and further into the dark depths.</p><p>Lights flash by him at great speed as he plummets down and down and down. As he falls, he sees flashes of many different things. It’s like seeing hundreds of tv screens all around him playing different movies and he seems to be in them all. He sees so many different people, many he doesn’t recognize but he knows Hubert and Edelgard. They look different, smaller, more frilly. They are smiling and laughing and it echoes around him like bells in a church. He doesn’t have time to comprehend fully what they are saying, what they are doing. He hears so many voices. Music, melodies, grand opera music. It blurs together into a terrifying wail as he falls faster and faster further and further. He wants to stop! He wants Hubert!  He wants to be good!</p><p>And then it all comes to a halt as he slams on the ground with a great thud.</p><p>
  <strong>********</strong>
</p><p>He tries to get up but a polished shoe kicks him back down like a master kicking its dog. There are men talking. His body is sore. His stomach aches. His backside is leaking but he is too scared to look. Too scared to ask what happened to him. He feels dirty. He doesn’t understand what is going on. He rolls over to lie on his back, looking around. He is in an office somewhere. His clothes are torn to shreds. Women’s underwear ripped stockings and garters. A bustier and corset have been tossed aside on the floor, covered in cigarette burns and other stains. The lights are off and there is smoke puffing up. Neon lights shine through the window. Ferdinand lies there, everything blurs with his tears. Something terrible happened to him here. He breathes in and out. His heartbeat slows. The scene before him speeds up. The neon lights blur and shift across the room through the blinds. He doesn’t exist. The men talk and he does not exist.</p><p>
  <strong>********</strong>
</p><p>A woman’s voice cuts through the darkness. “Ferdinand… get up, my darling. We have to run. We have to play a big game of hide and seek now!”</p><p>“But I’m too old for hide and seek, mama,” he croaks, his throat is so sore.</p><p>“I know angel, but we have to play it one more time. Come on darling… let’s go”</p><p>His vision goes black. The men’s voices fade away. Ferdinand fades away. He’s going to run away. Just like mama wanted.</p><p>-</p><p>“SHIT!” Linhardt yells as alarms go off.</p><p>Hubert rises from his chair next to Ferdinand to see what has happened. Moment’s ago, Ferdinand’s hand had squeezed his tightly and then gone limp. He’s still breathing but Hubert knows that something has gone wrong. He watches Linhardt type frantically in response to messages that pop up again and again at lightning speed.</p><p>“I… I succeeded but the effort in combination failed. I have the memories saved to a databank but… I’ve wiped him. I had no choice… oh god… I wiped him”</p><p>“I don’t understand.”</p><p>“The Ferdinand you knew doesn’t exist right now. Not in him at least. I mean in theory I could re-upload everything but not without disengaging the chip first. I need to examine the protocols on there… I need to… Oh god… I didn’t mean to… I’m going to be sick…”</p><p>Hubert picked up the wastepaper basket to Linhardt and watched him vomit feeling dazed and confused. How could Ferdinand not exist? He was right there! He’s alive and breathing. What could Linhardt mean?</p><p>Linhardt wiped his mouth on his sleeve and looked mournfully at the screen. “I need to analyse all of this. Figure out what it means. You can go if you want Hubert…”</p><p>Hubert nods and returns to Ferdinand. He tucks him in and then leaves quietly.</p><p>-</p><p>Edelgard finds Hubert sitting at the edge of the small fishing spot with a cup of coffee, staring out into the distance. It has been three days since Linhardt, and Hubert tried to unlock Ferdinand’s memories from the chip.</p><p>She pulls aside the train of her coat and sits down next to him, leaning her head on his shoulder.</p><p>The sounds of the courtyard passed around them. People heading through their everyday business to keep Garreg Mach functioning and the crews in tip-top condition. Amongst the busyness they were invisible. Hubert’s voice broke through the gentle reverie, thick and quiet, wavering slightly under the weight of all his emotions, all the decisions that had brought him to this moment. “I thought I didn’t care… I thought I wouldn’t care… but he was an innocent and we failed him. I failed him.”</p><p>She reached out, her hand gently squeezing his. Her heart ached for him. Her dearest and oldest friend. “You didn’t fail him, Hubert, you tried your best for him. At least Ferdinand is here and safe.”</p><p>Hubert turned to face her, hesitating for a moment before speaking. “Linhardt… he caught you on tape sneaking into his room and sneaking him out on one occasion. Why?”</p><p>Edelgard sighed and broke his gaze, looking out into the distance at a pair of fighter ships in Fareghan colours lift off for a training exercise. They broke through the barrier of the Garreg Mach biome like two pebbles falling into water before dancing above them in the stars above. She tried to find the words to tell him, to ask him about his memories but it all felt too sad.</p><p>“I didn’t do it to upset you. You know I wouldn’t do that… but I’m shocked you don’t remember him.”</p><p>“Why would I remember Ferdinand? I’ve never seen him in my life.”</p><p>“He was one of our best friends before I was taken. Small, chubby Ferdie. Terrible cry baby. Loved cakes and tea parties and dresses and…” Edelgard pulls out her personal datapad and taps a few times as she explains, “It took a lot of digging to find this… he’s been wiped from every record there is like he never existed but I hunted back through my archives and found this.”</p><p>She holds it out to him and Hubert feels his head pound at what he sees. The scene is a sunny garden party. Edelgard is standing with a smile in a little red dress with her favourite teddy, Rubin. Hubert looks terribly awkward, he hasn’t grown into his limbs quite yet but he’s trussed up in a little black waistcoat and a white shirt that has come loose with his hair in his face as he awkwardly smiles to the camera as a little boy hangs off his arm. This boy has a smile that could rival a sun, golden hair, fluffy and curling every which way. He’s wearing a little red waistcoat and his pale trousers are covered in mud at the knees.</p><p>“That’s Ferdie… he was our friend Hubert. How could you forget him when he would cling to you and beg for your attention and approval as he did?”</p><p>Hubert sits there and tries to remember. He remembers the garden party. An opera singer had been there and she performed some beautiful arias for the royal family. He remembered Edelgard with cakes and tea that he couldn’t stand. It was much too sweet. He remembers his father being livid at the state of him after they escaped into the shrubbery, twigs and mud all over their pretty clothes and in their hair. He remembers the scalding bath after the party. But try as he might, he doesn’t remember Ferdinand.</p><p>His stomach dips. He trusts Edelgard’s telling the truth. She wouldn’t lie to him but he is not lying to her when he told her he does not remember.</p><p>He does not realize that he’s shaking until Edelgard’s hands rest on his shoulders. She stands and holds her hands out to hoist him up as she says “Come on, I’m going to prove it to you and solidify my argument. I know you like proof.”</p><p>“I do… Proof would be good. I’m sorry El, I do believe you but… I’m…”</p><p>“It’s alright. Clearly, something must have happened while I was away. We’ll figure it out but first, we’re going to speak to Lorenz.”</p><p>Frustratingly the headache persisted, and it seemed he would be introduced to another one if he didn’t at least try to protest. “Why Lorenz? What can that class obsessed dandy have to add to this mess?”</p><p>“Lorenz was also one of Ferdinand’s best friends. If anyone can convince you that we knew him and tell you more about him, then Lorenz is the man for the job.”</p><p>“Just don’t make me drink his tea, I beg of you.”</p><p>“Of course not! I wouldn’t do that to you. Now I think he’ll be in a meeting with Claude but if we knock… maybe…” Wonderful, he was being swept off by Edelgard with a plan of action. He was helpless to her whirlwind approach as she dragged him into the main building of Garreg Mach</p><p>“Please don’t get Claude involved,” he groaned.</p><p>“Claude <em>is </em>a very good researcher in his own right. He could be a boon!” she exclaimed, marching Hubert through the countless hallways and up the stairs towards the Golden Deer’s boardrooms, smiling and waving graciously to any and all who stopped to greet her.</p><p>“That may be so but…”</p><p>“Ah, we’re here!” Edelgard knocked on the door before he could protest any more.</p><p>A clatter and a few yelps were heard on the other side of the door along with some stern sounding voices and then Claude opened the door, looking a little dishevelled for lack of a better word as he leaned on the frame with buttons all askew and lipstick smudged on his neck and lips.</p><p>“Princess! Hubert! Lovely to see you both! What pleasure do I have of having you visit me on this gorgeous afternoon? Here to discuss stocks and trades?”</p><p>Edelgard sighed and shook her head. It was obvious that they had been having a tryst. “Thank you, Claude, I’m actually not here to visit you today. I’m here for Lorenz actually.”</p><p>Claude’s smile strained as he began, “Ah… Lorenz isn’t…”</p><p>Hubert sighed and cut to the chase. “We heard you fooling around Claude. My Lady, wishes to have an audience with Lorenz about a personal matter and would very much appreciate it if he would make himself available and presentable at the earliest convenience.”</p><p>Lorenz’s huff could be heard from inside the room as he made his way to the door, gently shoving Claude aside. “Forgive my current state, I would be happy to have a soiree with yourself your highness whenever suits.”</p><p>“Wonderful! Meet me in my office after you’ve cleaned yourself up then!” Edelgard finished with a smile and a wave as she turned to leave a stunned Lorenz and Claude in her wake. Once they had turned the corner Hubert found himself smiling as she burst into giggles. She linked her arm in his and they walked through the corridors of Garreg Mach, the heavy feeling in his stomach lightening a little at her melodious laughter. What a mischievous lady she could be.</p><p>-</p><p>The tea was poured, the coffee brewed, and Hubert sat on the couch in Edelgard’s office with nerves bubbling up inside him. Lorenz arrived within fifteen minutes of their set up. Ever the self-proclaimed gentleman, he brought macrons which he had presumably brought from his personal collection. Hubert supposed it was worth it for the way Edelgard’s eyes sparkled at the sweet treats.</p><p>“Pardon my facetiousness, but I am rather confused as to why you have both invited me to take tea with you… Neither Byleth nor Claude has mentioned any sort of extra collaboration outside our force…” Lorenz questioned, before going to sip his tea, Bergamot today.</p><p>“Yes, well that is understandable…” responded Edelgard. “I was more wishing to… reminisce with you on an old friend.”</p><p>“And which friend would that be? I do not recall us sharing any friends, not for a long time at least…”</p><p>“And what do you mean by that?” Hubert interjected, dreading the answer.</p><p>“Well… I do not like to speak of the dead often… it was terribly sad when I heard the news.”</p><p>“Poor Ferdinand…” Edelgard led, sipping her tea, her eyes locked firmly on Hubert as he held his breath waiting for the answer from Lorenz’s lips. “He did die awfully young; I have been thinking of him often as of late. Thank you for the tea set recommendations the other night.”</p><p>“Ah yes… I did wonder why you had asked that of me. Yes… Ferdinand von Aegir… he was a very dear friend of mine. It was such a shame what had happened to him.”</p><p>Lorenz’s acknowledgement felt like a slap. Hubert could barely get out his question, “What <em>did</em> happen to him?”</p><p>“Goodness! Do you not remember? He was travelling with his mother when their ship had crashed. It was a terrible shame. They couldn’t find his body and she had been so distraught that she never returned to high society. Lady von Aegir has not been seen in public since that day. My mother has kept correspondences with her but… well, I don’t get to see her often and she doesn’t respond to my missives as much as I would like.”</p><p>Hubert stood abruptly and placed down his cup on the table.</p><p>“Hubert, my man… are you alright?” Lorenz asked.</p><p>“I fear a headache has suddenly come upon me. I regret I must leave to lie down. Forgive me Lady Edelgard, Lorenz. I must depart.”</p><p>Edelgard nodded and sipped her tea. “Be well, my friend. You should rest. Lorenz let us not let this tea go to waste. I would like to reminisce some more with you if you are not opposed.”</p><p>Lorenz’s voice faded as Hubert left the room. “Not at all, my lady! To have tea with such a distinguished woman as yourself is a delight!”</p><p>Hubert found himself wandering aimlessly down the hallways as he tried to process everything. Lorenz’s words had caused Hubert’s world to shift irrevocably. How on earth if Lorenz and Edelgard both remembered Ferdinand from their youth, and had photographic evidence of him no less, had he forgotten him? And he was a Von Aegir no less! Son of the Prime Minister unless old, fat bald Ludwig had any brothers or sisters that Hubert did not know of… Why wouldn’t he be in the records then? He’d have to search deeper… but he had a horrible feeling that his results would be the same as Edelgard's. How on earth did Ferdinand von Aegir end up as a companion? How on earth did his father get his hands on him? Surely, he would have known who he was even if Hubert didn’t?</p><p>His wandering had led him to Ferdinand’s room. He was still asleep, practically a beautiful doll at this point if Linhardt’s predictions were correct. He knelt at Ferdinand’s bedside and rested his head on the mattress.</p><p>“Lord help me… I wish I could figure you out, Ferdinand,” he murmured, seeking solace in the silence. He closed his eyes and drifted off. It seemed, at least for now, they would both be lost together.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Notes on the scene if you skipped:<br/>It is implied that Ferdinand has been raped while under brainwashing. He is on the floor of an office room while men discuss something. He lies there, disassociating before the voice of his mother cuts through the dream.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Chapter 4</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Thank you for your patience! I think I'm settling into a more normal writing routine rather than the rapid fire of the past few days. Your comments have been absolutely amazing to see! I am so humbled that you're enjoying this! I'd love to know what you think of this one.</p><p><b>THERE IS IMPLIED SEXUAL ASSAULT TO AN UNDERAGE PERSON IN THIS CHAPTER</b> <br/>It is bracketed by two instances of <b>********</b> if you wish to skip.</p><p>A summary of the scene will be in the end notes if you did skip. The tags have been altered to reflect this change. </p><p>Please be kind to yourselves! Enjoy the chapter! Let me know what you think!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Linhardt sat at his console with his head in his hands. Ferdinand still hadn’t woken up and he still hadn’t found the courage to pour through the memory data for fear of what he might find. It felt wrong to peek into someone’s memories like this. He had thought that everything was going to be so simple, just a quick transfer and then he’d wash his hands of the personal side of things and focus on just analysing the chip itself and its workings. He thought back to the spiel he gave Hubert about how this research could help so many but… He didn’t want to do anything else wrong.</p><p>Over the past few days, he had seen Hubert visit, looking more tired than ever before. He’d take coffee breaks next to Ferdinand, bringing him some tea that always went cold as he typed up notes on a datapad. Sometimes he would bring folders filled with documentation as he scoured their contents looking for goodness knows what. It wasn’t any of Linhardt’s business. He just tried to look busy or leave them in peace when that happened so his shortcomings wouldn’t be caught.</p><p>Then Edelgard arrived. She would also sit with Ferdinand and although it was highly unusual in his mind, he tried not to focus on it but as a good leader is prone to do, she sensed weakness in him and pounced.</p><p>“I know you’ve been sitting staring at the screen or napping in here more often,” she began. “Is something troubling you about your work here with Ferdinand?”</p><p>Linhardt sighed and nodded. “Yes, I suppose something is troubling me. I have all this data of his… memory data that I managed to collect, save from the combining process. I had meant to just… unlock the part that was inaccessible before, but it all wiped from him and is now on my computer. I’ve backed it up of course but I can’t bear to look at it. It feels wrong… Like playing god.”</p><p>Edelgard nodded, humming gently as she considered her words. “But if you do nothing, he stands to stay the way he is. You’re the only one here with the ability to help him.”</p><p>“I mean I could pass him off to Hanneman I guess.”</p><p>“You should finish what you have started. You’d be displeased with the results anyway. Hubert is trusting you with this.”</p><p>“And he trusted me to not give you access to this room while he was here.”</p><p>“That is true, but he knows why I’m visiting now.”</p><p>“And why is that may I ask?” he sounded so tired to his ears. So weary with the weight of the past few days.</p><p>Edelgard turned her chair to face him. “Well… to give you a sense of support for a start. The more I hear about this… the more I know that his treatment is in the Strike Force’s best interests. You are not alone Linhardt. Whatever happens, we will support you.”</p><p>Linhardt exhaled and felt his burden lift slightly, nodding.</p><p>Edelgard stands with a small smile, dusting her breeches off as she heads to the door.</p><p>“Thank you again for your hard work,” she says and leaves Linhardt alone with a sleeping Ferdinand, his notes and his thoughts. It is past the time for hesitation now, he sends quick messages to Hubert and Caspar, a request for food deliveries and uninterrupted time and locks the doors. He seats himself once again, to open the folder, beginning his trawl though the memories of Ferdinand.</p><p>-</p><p>Of course, it couldn’t be easy. The files themselves are encrypted, when he first tried to open them all he got was static and blurry shapes but there had to be more. So he spends much of the afternoon working around the encryption and it’s actually quite fun to crack the puzzle, his tension from earlier leaving but eventually, he figures it out and manages to get one of the files to a place where it was good to view. He writes a quick script to automate the rest of the de-encryption and activates it in the background before opening the file.</p><p>He is greeted with a scene from Ferdinand’s eyes. Judging from the height he is seated. Linhardt activates his headset and presses play on the still image.</p><p>********</p><p>Ferdinand is in an office. It is an elaborate mahogany covered room. He seems to be seated on a man’s lap, judging the height of him in comparison to the rest of the room. Linhardt does not recognize the man as Ferdinand seems to have his face on the man’s shoulder but he can hear words being spoken. The voice that speaks to him feels like grease in Linhardt’s ears. It is too silky, too smooth and too smug for his liking.</p><p>
  <em>“I’m pleased to say that the experiment was a success. Your boy was a prime candidate for the trial. It took a couple of years to perfect the process, but I am very satisfied with the results. Although I still am surprised that you would give up your heir like this.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Well the favours you have given me were worth the price,”</em>
</p><p>Ferdinand’s vision shifts ever so slightly and Linhardt can hear the smallest of whimpers and laboured breathing. A slap is heard and Ferdinand whines again. Linhardt’s hand flies to his mouth as he feels a retch shake through him as he realises what is going on. Flames… they can’t be… but they are…</p><p><em>“Be quiet boy! Your father and I are having an important conversation. Unless you’re desperate to service him too?”</em> the slimy voice barks.</p><p>Ferdinand’s vision goes black for a moment as he squeezes his eyes shut but Linhardt can hear the rustle of fabric as Ferdinand presumably shakes his head. When he opens his eyes Linhardt hears slick slaps and can see that he is being bounced up and down frantically on the man’s lap.</p><p>The other man, Ludwig sounds utterly disgusted as he says, “That whore on your lap, not my son, Arundel. I wouldn’t want to touch him anyway. Is this why you asked me here? To gloat about your success?”</p><p><em>“Well, it’s important that I remind you of our deal, Ludwig. I get a guinea pig to play with the tech to use on the emperor and you get to keep your position of Prime Minister although I so say your ratings have fallen quite a lot after your wife left you…”</em> Arundel says as Ferdinand lets out another small yelp, followed by another slap. <em>“Still some kinks to work out I see before the soiree next week I see… No matter. Some time in the chair will sort it.”</em></p><p>Linhardt pauses the video. Ludwig Von Aegir is the Prime Minister of the Adrestian Federation and Volkhard Arundel is the brother of the old Empress… This goes deeper than he had thought. He assumed that Ferdinand would have just been a sad case of a beautiful man being pulled off the streets on some planet somewhere and enslaved but this… This was laced up in deep corruption. He felt sick. He pulled his wastepaper basket closer, cradling it as he pressed play once again.</p><p>Ferdinand gasped and looked up at the face of the man called Arundel before tears blurred his vision as he begged. <em>“No! Please no! I’ll be good! I’ll be good! Please!”</em> he sounded so broken as he sobbed and screamed as another man pulled him up. Linhardt’s stomach flipped as his vision caught on two other people and Ferdinand’s naked body. Still slender, still young. But he couldn’t focus on that he had to focus on the people in the room. He struggled through the pure disgust and horror of what he was seeing and hearing as he gazed upon the faces of the people who subjected Ferdinand to his terrible fate.</p><p>It was indeed who he thought it was. Edelgard’s uncle and the Prime Minister and there was one more… Aldrich von Vestra, Hubert’s father. Imperial Minister and they were having a meeting… to usurp the emperor as Ferdinand sat on their laps as a demonstration of power.</p><p>Linhardt stands from his console, quickly checking that the decryption is going as it should. It is. He needs a shower. He needs to be clean. He needs to step away from this, at least for now. It’s a horrible luxury but he can’t continue right now.</p><p>As he leaves the room, passing Ferdinand, it becomes clear to him that he has a difficult decision to make. But he won’t think about it right now… Right now, he’ll shower… he’ll go see Caspar and listen to him talk about his day… He’ll maybe eat something if he can handle it… He can deal with this tomorrow.</p><p>********</p><p>Ferdinand woke up alone. The darkness told him it was night. The console in the room had lights that flashed every so often as a status bar crawled across the screen. He watched it for a moment as it went at a snail’s pace.</p><p>He sat up and stretched. There was a lightness to his mind and body that made him feel unreal. He stood to find some clothes at the foot of his bed. Who had left them there, he didn’t know but they felt soft to the touch. He changed into the shirt and soft trousers and tied his hair at the bottom of his neck before heading to the door.</p><p>His feet carried him through the hallways. He wasn’t sure where to go. He had no memory of this place, but he wasn’t afraid. He felt too light, too buoyant to be afraid. Like if he just jumped a little, he could fly away. Still, he encountered no one to give him directions so he just followed what felt right until he reached the outdoors.</p><p>He sat down one of the garden walls and leaned back to gaze at the stars above. The constellations were unfamiliar to him. This place was unfamiliar to him, but it didn’t matter. He felt… free… light. Like he could go anywhere and do anything. He was Ferdinand von Aegir and with enough confidence and self-assurance, he could achieve anything he set his mind to. He’s sure that his mother will come to collect him soon enough anyway.</p><p>She’ll come to find him. He’s sure of it. He just needs to be a good boy and wait.</p><p>-</p><p>Hubert is awoken by loud banging on his office door. He had fallen asleep at his desk… He rises with a crick in his neck, ready to tear into whoever disturbs him at this time of night but he is disheartened to see a panicked Linhardt.</p><p>“Ferdinand is gone… Edelgard didn’t take him either… but he’s gone.”</p><p>“Where is the Princess?” he asked, just to make sure she had not gone missing too.</p><p>“She’s helping to search. I ran into her and a few of the others and they’re looking.”</p><p>Hubert groans but he pushes open the door and follows Linhardt down the hallways as they scour the building. They start from Linhardt’s office and split up to look for any sightings of Ferdinand but they don’t find him inside the Black Eagles wing of Garreg Mach. Terrible possibilities fly through his mind as he searches for any glimpse of Ferdinand’s beautiful golden hair, all of them irrational. His father nor any of his compatriots don’t know where Garreg Mach and if they somehow managed to do so, they wouldn’t be able to land.</p><p>As he enters the quiet dining area, he’s thinking of how Ferdinand probably couldn’t fly an aircraft out of it. Sure, Azrael would let him on board, but he couldn’t fly her without security keys he definitely does not have access to. What’s more, Garreg Mach wouldn’t open the sphere for him without clearance so he couldn’t leave even if he managed to get her up in the air.</p><p>And then he spots him across the room sitting, drinking tea with non-other than Manuela Casagranda herself. Hubert finds himself marching over bewildered at not only the fact that he is up and awake given how Linhardt had explained his memory condition, but that he is wearing different clothes than the sleepwear he has been bringing him.</p><p>“Ahh good evening Hubert!” Manuela beams, with a bright smile and a wave. “Come meet my new friend, Ferdinand, here. Isn’t he just handsome?”</p><p>Hubert finds himself pausing for a moment, messaging Edelgard and Linhardt to assure them of his safety before sitting at the table with a polite, “Good evening, Manuela, Ferdinand,” more relieved than he can describe. He slumps from the exhaustion.</p><p>“My! There is no need to be disappointed, Hubert. You are a fetching man if I do say so myself,” she said with a giggle, waving her hand gently. “Ferdinand, this is Hubert. He’s the second in command here as I’m sure you know if you’re here but he’s usually out on interplanetary business. It’s so rare to pin him down here. Here for your midnight coffee top-up?”</p><p>“No, I was actually looking for Ferdinand.”</p><p>“You work with Manuela?” Ferdinand asks, his eyes sparkling in excitement. “That’s so exciting! She’s my favourite singer ever! Well aside from Mama but… I love watching her operas.” He then seems to do a double-take of Hubert and blushes bright red, scowling with a pout, breaking eye contact shyly to look back to Manuela.</p><p>Hubert finds himself taken aback; he wasn’t expecting to see Ferdinand so… vibrant. He was rather adorable if not incredibly annoying. Hubert hoped he would calm a little.</p><p>Manuela laughs, “You did say dear, but that was years ago. I haven’t sung in public in over ten years by now… You were just about to tell me about your mother anyway. I’m curious seeing as you’re so excited.”</p><p>It is at this moment that Hubert puts two and two together. Linhardt erased everything before the chip implant, given how Ferdinand is behaving like an excitable young boy and speaking so fondly of his mother, that must be the only case. He needed to be careful not to draw too much attention to him given the situation was sensitive, but Manuela could surely be trusted to be discreet. Besides Linhardt and Edelgard would come to back him up at any minute surely…</p><p>Ferdinand’s hands clapped in delight. “Oh yes! My mama was a singer too before she married and became Lady Lucrecia!”</p><p>“Lady Lucrecia you say?” Manuela asks, a frown coming over her face for a moment as she thinks before her eyes widen. She smiles tightly. “Darling, forgive me for asking, I don’t like to call attention to it, especially to handsome young things like yourself but… do remind me of her last name? My memory is foggy.”</p><p>Hubert waited with bated breath. This was the final test for him. Edelgard and Lorenz’s accounts were trustworthy but there really was no record of him anywhere in any Adrestian databases that he could access. Even the Royal ones.</p><p>“Lady Lucretia von Aegir of course! She has the most angelic voice you know! Like a beautiful bell! She told me that everyone was most upset that she had quit when she gave birth to me, but she said that she wanted to use her voice for her family.”</p><p>Hubert notes that Manuela has gone pale and she pulls out a flask from her cleavage, taking a drink before handing it out to Hubert. Despite his best judgement, Hubert finds himself taking a swig too. The whisky burns hot down his throat as he listens to her laugh as she shakes her head. “Honey, darling… that is impossible!” she begins to chide him ever so gently. “Lucretia wouldn’t have a son your age. He died years ago! That’s a very cruel prank to play on a starlet like myself!”</p><p>“But it’s true! I am Ferdinand von Aegir and my mother will be coming to find me soon!” he insists.</p><p>Manuela looks towards Hubert, confusion in her eyes. He breaks his silence, his mind made up. “Ah… my friend Ferdinand here…” he begins.</p><p>“We are not friends!” Ferdinand cuts him off, scowling as he abruptly stands up. “I am very cross with you, Hubert!”</p><p>Hoodwinked, Hubert asks “Whatever have I done?” In this mental state Ferdinand clearly remembers him.</p><p>“You know why!” Ferdinand pouts and huffs, crossing his arms.</p><p>Manuela seems to be utterly lost as she takes another sip out of her flask but then Edelgard and Linhardt arrive and Ferdinand’s eyes return to sparkling at the sight of Edelgard.</p><p>“Edelgard! Please tell Hubert that I am still cross with him! He knows why!”</p><p>Hubert shrugs and Edelgard blinks for a moment before snorting and shaking her head. “When was the last time you saw him, Ferdie, I just need to remember what he did.”</p><p>“You know… the ball…” he mumbles, all shy all of a sudden.</p><p>“Ahh yes… the ball. No wonder you’re so cross. It was a very mean thing for him to do.”</p><p>“I still don’t understand…” Hubert sighs in exasperation. Linhardt appears to be just as lost as Manuela.</p><p>“Pardon me for a moment,” Linhardt begins, “You and Ferdinand know each other, Princess?”</p><p>Ferdinand beams and goes over to cling to Edelgard’s arm, slotting naturally into her side. “Yes! We’re the best rivals!”</p><p>“I’d rather you call me your friend, Ferdie,” she sighs with a smile, rolling her eyes as if she had been hearing this for years. “Yes, Linhardt. We are very good friends.”</p><p>“Ahh… so that explains…” he mutters before noting something down on his datapad. “Tomorrow I’d like to meet with you Ferdinand to… discuss some things….” He cuts himself off with a yawn. “But tomorrow… Hubert… you too. Separately. Yes, I’m going to bed now. Goodnight”</p><p>Manuela sets her flask down. “So… Princess… you mean to tell me that this young man is telling me the truth. He really is Ferdinand von Aegir…”</p><p>“Yes. He is Manuela. He is a very big fan of yours. I hope you treated him kindly…” Edelgard looks to Ferdinand, a tinge of worry in her eyes.</p><p>“Manuela was just as beautiful up close as I thought she would be!” Ferdinand sighed. “I’d love to hear you perform again, someday!” he adds wistfully, the sparkles in his eyes once more.</p><p>It takes all of Hubert’s control not to drag his hand over his face in exhaustion. Whatever this is… he’ll deal with it tomorrow he supposes. At least he’s not where Manuela is, having an existential crisis right where she’s sitting</p><p>“Lady Edelgard, forgive me but… would you assist me in finding Ferdinand a suitable room to spend the night in? I’d like to speak briefly to Manuela…” he asks.</p><p>Edelgard smiles warmly and nods before escorting an excitable Ferdinand to the kitchens presumably to pick up some food before finding him a room. Hubert turns to face Manuela and lets out a sigh. She smirks and tilts her flask at him in recognition for the feeling of <em>too tired for this bullshit</em>.</p><p>“I’m sure you’re confused. I am as well but that is indeed Ferdinand von Aegir, son to Ludwig and Lucretia von Aegir. I have sources that have confirmed such things.” Hubert stops and Manuela nods, having put her flask away as she rests her head on the back of her hands, listening intently. “I’m not entirely sure on his mental state right now but… given the way, things have progressed I have a feeling we might need your medical and therapeutic expertise soon. I’d ask that you discuss things with Linhardt when you find a moment tomorrow and I please, beg of you that you exercise the utmost discretion with the information of his existence here. There are people like yourself who may have known him in a previous life, and I don’t want any distress to come to him or news to spread to undesirables…”</p><p>“He did seem a little… young given his physical age… No doubt he probably is suffering from trauma to cause him to regress like that…”</p><p>“I think the explanation may surprise you, but I’d ask that you ask Linhardt about it tomorrow.”</p><p>“Sure sure, tall dark and scary. I’ll do as I’m told. You have my word that this will go nowhere. At least from me. I’m a professional after all!”</p><p>“A professional drinker?” he wryly interjects.</p><p>“Well, I never! How rude! Get to bed! I have a mind to refuse you coffee when you come into my sickbay!” she says swatting him lightly as he chuckles darkly, but also slightly worried that he may indeed be refused caffeine privileges in her care if he continues, so he bows politely and leaves Manuela to do whatever she was doing here. Probably waiting for some handsome fighter pilot by the looks of things…</p><p>-</p><p>Finding Ferdinand, a room wasn’t a difficult thing. There were may spare rooms available to guests and agents just staying temporarily but when Edelgard reached the door with him, her key card ready, the once bubbly young man, who had been so happy to see her and chat with her about all sorts of things from their childhood stiffened up and quietened.</p><p>“Ferdie… What’s wrong?” she asked.</p><p>“I… I don’t want to sleep alone. I-I know it’s highly ignoble to ask to sleep over but…”</p><p>Edelgard hummed and nodded in understanding, trying to put herself in his position. “Yes… I can see why it might be best…”</p><p>“I-I mean… I don’t really know where I am and mama did say she was coming for me but so many things are different and your hair! It’s silvery now and Hubert looks taller and….” He pauses for a moment, covering his face and mumbling something.</p><p>Edelgard felt warmth bubble up inside her. Ferdinand now was just like the Ferdinand she knew, bright, bubbly, very competitive and with the biggest secret crush on Hubert. Well… he thought it was a secret. Besides, it wouldn’t be so bad to keep an eye on him on his sleep, just in case he decided to panic and go wandering again. Thank goodness Manuela was the one to find him.</p><p>“Alright… we’ll go to my room but we have to be sneaky and secret about it. If Hubert found out…”</p><p>“He’d be really jealous right? Good! He deserves it!”</p><p>Edelgard holds her hand over her mouth to stifle a small giggle and nods before gesturing with her head the direction they need to go. “Come on then!”</p><p>“I’ll be the most quiet!” he whispers. “I am the best at hide and seek after all!”</p><p>It takes no time for them to reach the room, but they did giggle slightly along the way. It was impossible for Edelgard not to feel like a naughty child, the way that they snuck through the Black Eagles quarters up to her chambers. She opened the door and Ferdinand bounded in declaring, “I was more quiet than you!”</p><p>Edelgard snorted and shrugged. Age had brought a sense of calmness over her. “Yes, Ferdie… you win. Now… I am going to get changed for bed over there once I get you a shirt.”</p><p>She goes into her closet and fetches Ferdinand some pyjamas and returns to find him at her mirror, absolutely enraptured by what he sees.</p><p>“I look different…” he says in the tiniest voice. “El… why do I look different… why do you look different and Hubert… we all look… older.”</p><p>“We do. Tomorrow Linhardt will tell you all about what has happened and how we can help you, but for now, you should get changed and ready for bed.”</p><p>“But… does this mean if I look older Mama won’t be able to find me… Manuela said that I was dead… what does that mean?”</p><p>She forgot how smart he actually was. Ferdinand always had a brilliant mind, especially if he could find the focus he so dearly lacked most of the time. “I’m really sorry Ferdie, but we should sleep…”</p><p>“I’m scared… If Mama can’t find me, I’ve lost and… if I’m lost…” he sniffs and starts to cry. Edelgard can do nothing but reach out and embrace him as he sobs into her neck.</p><p>“I will help your Mama find you, Ferdie. I promise. I will write a letter to her first thing in the morning.”</p><p>“You promise?”</p><p>She holds her pinkie up, a wave of nostalgia rushing through her as she says, “I pinkie promise.”</p><p>-</p><p>The night brings peace to many but not to Linhardt. He returns to his room to find Caspar there, sprawled out, snoring. The weight of what needs to be done in the coming days weighs heavily upon him. The fear twists itself like a snake in his gut, making him queasy and he wishes that he could do nothing else but sleep through it. He sits down on the bed and unties his hair, combing it out with his fingers before retying it as he considers what he saw tonight. Ferdinand is different. There is no questioning that. He was a coward to back out when he did. Too scared to probe deeper and ask the questions that he needed to at that time as a scientist. Especially after what he saw today.</p><p>Flames… the implications of that memory alone would be the ammunition that Edelgard could galvanize to bring to topple the entire Adrestian government within the Federation. Everything they have been working for could soon bear fruit… but at what cost? What about Ferdinand’s feelings and rights and autonomy? It is one thing to proclaim yourself a witness but another thing entirely to have your own memories waded through and catalogued and picked apart for every detail. What’s more, are they even accurate? Linhardt is sure they are but given the elegant brainwashing he underwent, surely Ferdinand’s authority would come into question from naysayers. It was just a horrible situation.</p><p>What’s more… he looked so happy today. All the stress and sadness and anguish that had plagued him, vanished. Would it be fair to burden him again with his trauma when he could probably happily live without it? Would that be kinder? Would that be fair?</p><p>A hand gently touched his own and he gasped, shaken out of his thoughts.</p><p>“Hey… Lin… you’re thinking so loud you woke me up…” Caspar’s sleep rough voice murmured as he brought Linhardt’s fingertips to his lips to kiss them sweetly.</p><p>“Sorry… Just…” he couldn’t find the way to describe to Caspar the weight of playing being the arbiter of someone’s memories. Peeking into a highly traumatic moment and knowing that he will probably have to do it again even if he morally shouldn’t.</p><p>Caspar pulls Linhardt down until his head is resting on his chest. Linhardt goes with no resistance but he lets in a sharp intake of breath as his strong arms bracket his body. He is so fragile, like glass ready to fracture and shatter at the slightest touch but Caspar presses a gentle kiss to his hair and strokes easy lines up and down his back. He doesn’t ask what has upset him so. He doesn’t say a word to validate or invalidate him either way. He just soothingly trails gentle paths up and down until Lin’s breathing settles into calmness.</p><p>“I love you… no matter what,” Caspar sleepily murmurs as he drifts off himself, holding Lin protectively to his chest.</p><p>Linhardt nods and settles in as best he can. He closes his eyes and tries to match Caspar’s breath, following him into the land of sleep.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Notes on the scene if you skipped:<br/>Linhardt experiences Ferdinand's memories from early on in his brainwashing. It is implied that he is being raped by Arundel in front of his own father and Hubert's father as they discuss business. It is made clear that Ferdinand was given to Arundel to experiment on as a means to trial the chip before use on the emperor. It is also brought forth that Ludwig von Aegir gave Ferdinand up willingly to repay a favour to Arundel which keeps him as Prime Minister.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Chapter 5</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>A lighter chapter! A sort of interlude I guess?</p><p>Thank you so much for following along! Your comments and kudos delight me and give me the drive to continue this on. I'm constantly humbled by you all. I'd love to know what you think of this chapter!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Colourful dresses painted an elegant picture as they swept across the floor, spinning, swaying. The silk and taffeta rustling as they spun elegantly. The music swelled beautifully, carrying the dancers on the marble floors along with it. The chandeliers glittered above just like all the diamond tiaras on the heads of the ladies. Ferdinand watched them bow and curtsy, wishing to be part of the thrill of it all.</p><p>His eyes followed his mother, a beautiful woman, the most beautiful woman in the whole universe as she swept from partner to partner with the grandest elegance possible. She twisted and turned this way and that, laughter lighting up her features. Ferdinand loved her so. At home, she would sweep him up into waltzes of their own and he used to stand on his toes but at 10 years old he was getting too big to do that. He would need to find a partner of his own in the other children.</p><p>He knew what partner he wanted. He wanted to dance with them so badly it made him positively giddy. Edelgard was a very elegant dancer at her age and he watched her take a turn across the floor with her big brothers, giggling and smiling the entire time in her pretty pink and white dress, brown hair tied up in ribbons that her sisters had woven in. But he didn’t want to dance with her… well, he did but not like he wanted to dance with Hubert.</p><p>Hubert… Hubert was the one he wanted to dance with. If you asked Ferdinand if he liked Hubert he would refuse until he was blue in the face. Sure he would sit and read cool books about weapons with him, sure he would help him down from trees when he got stuck even if he looked like he would cry himself… sure he would sneak Titania some carrots and squeeze his hand gently when his father yelled at him… But that didn’t mean anything! He was big and mean and liked to play pranks on him and was too good at cards and chess and made fun of his tea sets and horses! Still, Ferdinand wanted to dance with him. He looked so dashing in his dark frock coat standing at the edge of the room. He was so cool with his hair slicked back just so. It took Ferdinand’s breath away when he saw.</p><p>It took him all evening right up until it was almost bedtime to find the courage to ask Hubert. He had danced with any girl who wanted to. It would be ignoble to refuse a lady’s hand. He danced ever so beautifully so mama would be proud. He did everything he should have at his first big ball… so why…why did Hubert refuse him?</p><p>Why did he laugh in his face? He just wanted one turn across the floor with him… But Ferdinand was so embarrassed, so ashamed that he had even asked… Why? Why? Why? It wasn’t fair! Why? Was he not a good enough dancer? Was he not smart enough? Not pretty enough? Why did Hubert say no? Why did Hubert laugh at him? Why?</p><p>-</p><p>Ferdinand woke up in tears. Howling in the early hours of the morning. “H-Hubert hates meeee” he sobbed into the air as Edelgard stirred next to him, sitting up to hold him to her chest. She stroked his hair as she looked at the clock. It was 6 am… Wonderful.</p><p>“He doesn’t,” she mumbled in a sleep thick voice. “Hubert always had a soft spot for you. He’s just shy and grumpy about it.”</p><p>“Y-You’re lying El! He didn’t dance with meeee!” Snot makes its way out of Ferdinand’s nose and Edelgard sighs as she reaches over to her bedside table to grab a handful of tissues, mopping up the snot with one and handing the rest to Ferdinand for him to dry his tears.</p><p>“I don’t know why Hubert said no… it was a long time ago and I don’t think Hubert remembers the ball.”</p><p>“How could he forget! It was your birthday party!” Ferdinand’s sobs had descended into hiccups.</p><p>Edelgard tried to hold in her affectionate laughter as she said, “It’s been a long time Ferdie and I’ve had many birthday parties since.”</p><p>Ferdinand hiccupped and then pouted as he grumbled, wiping his eyes with the tissues, “But it was only… It doesn’t matter… He hates me. He said no to dancing with me and last night he was so grumpy about seeing me!”</p><p>“That’s not true… he was worried. He went looking for you after all after you ran off from your room.” Edelgard sighs and looks at the clock again. “It’s probably best that we go get breakfast now so I can eat with you. I think Dedue is on kitchen duties today, so the food is bound to be a treat.”</p><p>“Who’s Dedue?”</p><p>“Ah yes there are lots of people here you won’t know and some you might… but they’ll look older and might not recognize you…” Edelgard thinks for a moment and then snaps her fingers. “I challenge you to a game, Ferdinand and I bet I will beat you!” she declares. Sure, it was always Hubert who decided that she would do better. No wonder Ferdinand was jealous of her if he liked Hubert so much.</p><p>Ferdinand’s hiccups stop as he leans forward, eyes sparkling as he asks “What’s the game and what do I win?”</p><p>“Well you will have beaten me and you’ll get to tell everyone that you beat me… is that not enough?”</p><p>“No. I want something more.”</p><p>Edelgard apologised to Hubert in her heart for a moment before declaring, “I will… Ask Hubert to kiss you on the cheek if you win.”</p><p>“Deal! What is the game?”</p><p>“Secret agent. I am the boss. You are the secret agent. You are undercover. Your mission is to report to Linhardt and do what he asks you to without blowing your true identity until I say otherwise.”</p><p>“I’m not stupid El… you just want to get rid of me for a while so you can play secret games with everyone else. I may be… uh… However old I am but I’m not stupid!”</p><p>“Ferdinand… Of course, you’re not stupid. But we do some very dangerous and sensitive work here and I don’t want you getting hurt. Linhardt wants to help you with all the strange feelings you are having anyway. And I need to write a letter to your mother and send it. She’s hiding too you know?”</p><p>“She is?” he sounds sceptical, but he is listening.</p><p>“Yes. And she told you to wait until she came to find you so… if you can behave all day today. Then I’ll ask Hubert to kiss you on the cheek.”</p><p>Ferdinand slumped for a moment with a sigh. “I… I don’t need that. I’m not a little kid. I’ll behave and do what you ask.”</p><p>“Thank you, Ferdinand. I’m sorry for treating you like a kid.”</p><p>Ferdinand smiles a small smile and reaches out to shake her hand. “You are forgiven! Can we get breakfast now? I’m hungry.”</p><p>Edelgard shakes on it and laughs as she gets up. “Sure but I just need to get changed and washed up and <em>you</em> need to brush your hair and teeth or we’re not going anywhere.”</p><p>“You’re not my mum!” he yells, sticking his tongue out.</p><p>“Alright then, you can just be stinky around the base then. Hubert won’t kiss you ever if you’re stinky.”</p><p>“Ugh! El I wish you never knew! You’re so mean! Hubert made you mean” he yells as he goes into the bathroom to clean himself up before breakfast as Edelgard laughs her way into her closet to change.</p><p>-</p><p>Linhardt had never had to deal with children before, much less an adult-sized child. Edelgard dropped him off like an older sister dropping off her sibling at a babysitter. Except Linhardt was not a babysitter. He never wanted to be a babysitter. He was a scientist! But Ferdinand happily took a spare blank notebook and a pen from him with no complaint and scribbled down whatever he wanted to. He munched away at the snacks Edelgard had left him. Every so often he would look up at Linhardt and ask if he needed anything to be done. He offered to help clean his office. He offered to organize all his shelves declaring himself much taller now so he could reach the top ones. But Linhardt just wanted some peace and quiet and not the person who’s memories he had extracted to be sitting here with him, reminding him of the innocence that had been stolen so brutally from him by his father for political power. It was so corrupt. So evil.</p><p>So, the more Ferdinand sat in his office fidgeting, trying his best to be good and quiet but ultimately failing as he hummed little ditties, the more Linhardt wanted to scream. He wanted to nap. He supposed that it was a suitable punishment for failing in his experiment… A unique sort of torture if he was feeling particularly dramatic. And after his sleep last night, who could blame him for his internal soliloquies? He planned to quietly review the information, maybe sample a couple more memories to see if any other pertinent clues would help their cause, but he honestly would rather not… He ultimately just wanted to get his facts straight <em>before</em> talking to Ferdinand about what needed to be done, what he wanted to be done. The pressure continued to build as Ferdinand creaked on his chair as he scribbled and scratched on a spare notepad he gave him, asking for books that Linhardt didn’t have access to like weapons manuals or some fantasy epics that he hadn’t seen in years. It was a relief then when Caspar came to give him his lunch with Manuela not far behind.</p><p>Caspar took one look at him and could see the distress and sighed before smiling his hundred-watt smile at Ferdinand. He didn’t know all of the details, not the minutiae but he knew enough to know that Linhardt needed a break from the literal man-child that was Ferdinand von Aegir. “Hey… uhhh, Ferdinand… Do you want to go hang out for a bit? We can go for a run. Or…”</p><p>Ferdinand looked up at Caspar and nodded in excitement as he almost yelled, “Yes, please! I mean… if Edelgard won’t be mad?”</p><p>Caspar shrugged and came up to slap him on the shoulder as he ushered him out of the room, winking at Linhardt as he left “I’ll sort it out don’t worry! We’ll get you some lunch and then we can go out for a run so Lin can have his meeting with Manuela and maybe we can find some cool stuff to do while we’re at it?”</p><p>Ferdinand’s excited voice faded as Manuela shut the door behind him and sat down where Ferdinand sat with her mug of coffee, sipping quietly as she waved Linhardt over, tapping at the plate with a long nail. “You should eat something” she chided him. “And then you can tell me what is going on with him and yourself but have your lunch first.”</p><p>Linhardt picked at his lunch as Manuela read a magazine she brought along. It was only a simple cheese sandwich with white bread, cut into triangles the way he liked it but given his mood, it was difficult to eat. Still, she waited patiently until he had eaten what he could. During this time Hubert entered the room.</p><p>“I’m not a child you know…” he mumbles as he pushes the plate away, feeling too nauseous for the moment. “It is good of you to join us, Hubert. Excellent timing in fact.”</p><p>“Apologies, Edelgard had some matters to discuss with me regarding Ferdinand” he explains as he sits next to Manuela.</p><p>Manuela waved at Hubert but continues with her point. “I don’t want to deal with Caspar’s yelling because you’ve fainted again. He’s a good guy. You don’t want him upset.”</p><p>Linhardt sighs and nods as he gets up and grabs a folder marked with Edelgard and Hubert’s names and hands them over to Manuela and Hubert. Inside contains all the non-sensitive information about Ferdinand’s condition. He won’t breach Ferdinand’s privacy any more than he needs to but he has to at least fill them in on his situation especially the part that involves all the political corruption so that it can be sorted out somehow.</p><p>Manuela reads through it and hums. “How did you find this all out? He’s clearly not in the state to tell you all of this… He doesn’t seem brainwashed to me…” she asks. Hubert reads his own folder silently, listening to their conversation as he does so.</p><p>“I… I accidentally wiped his memories of the ordeal from him. Right now he seems to be in a pre-kidnap state mentally… The memories are on my computer right now and I’ve sampled one of them but…”</p><p>Manuela sighs and sets her coffee down, rubbing between her eyes. “You science types… Linhardt… looking at someone’s memories without them consenting is highly unethical.”</p><p>“I know! But I had to check that they were intact before I tried to reinsert them but I don’t even know if it’s the right thing to do! He’s so happy and the memory I saw… it was very… traumatic.”</p><p>“Ah… So you’re essentially saying you’re going to relive through Ferdinand’s trauma in order to check that it’s the right thing to do to give it back to him.”</p><p>“It was locked away before I meddled with it… he didn’t even know he was like a doll. It was horrifying and now he’s like a ten-year-old boy or something and I don’t know if I can give all of this… back to him. I don’t know what I should do. I fucked up but the trouble is… what Ferdinand knows is everything we’re working towards.”</p><p>Manuela sighs and takes out her flask, has a drink before turning towards Hubert to point a finger at him. “And you… Why did you bring him here rather than getting him the help he needed with a health professional? I thought you were better than playing with someone’s mental integrity to honour your own principles!”</p><p>“I wanted to fix him. Linhardt had knowledge of the technology… it was the most logical course of action.”</p><p>“Then you’re as bad as the rest of them!” she exclaims in exasperation, waving the folder, smacking it down on the table. “All of these experiments! Who knows how wrong it could have gone! The results in here show me how much distress you put him under on your ship Hubert. Shame on you! You boys are just lucky that poor Ferdinand isn’t fried!”</p><p>“Then what do you suggest we do?!” Linhardt cries. “I have spent nights up worrying about what I’m doing wrong! I messed up and I want to fix it! If you can help me, then please do!”</p><p>“Lucky for you, I can. I’ve had the honour of helping many people who have been in similar situations as Ferdinand.” Manuela stands and claps her hands as she comes up with a plan. “I can provide the stability and treatment he needs to help him overcome the trauma. He seems to be very attached to you Hubert, especially from what I saw last night.”</p><p>“He is. If we reimplant the memories then Hubert will be essential,” Linhardt agreed.</p><p>“Then if you can figure out how to do that, then we can work on rehabilitating him.”</p><p>“But what about the pertinent information? The corruption? My father’s involvement?” Hubert asked.</p><p>Linhardt paled slightly and rested his head in his hands. “This is my dilemma. Ferdinand knows a lot. But I can’t just read his mind. It’s not right. It would make me as bad as those who put him in this position. If we… If we manage to heal him and Manuela can help him recover or at least give him the tools to deal with what he went through… then maybe he can tell us himself but I can’t look any more. Not for information. I’ll do a cursory scan to check that none of his memories are damaged but they’re Ferdinand’s memories. It’s his choice what to do with them.”</p><p>“Does that mean he can choose if he gets his memories back then?” Hubert asks. “What if he says no? What if he’s stuck like this forever? Will we allow the criminals that did this to roam free? I need more information than what’s in your folder. The Federation won’t be free like this!”</p><p>Manuela gently rested her hand on Hubert’s shoulder. “I don’t think he will be stuck. I think Ferdinand will do the right thing. He seems like a sweet boy.”</p><p>Linhardt stands and locks eyes with Hubert. "It was arrogant of me to poke around in the first place. It’s now my duty to help fix things. I want to give him back his agency. Ferdinand is not an object. No matter how much we wish he were because that would make things simple. Please, Hubert… I just need you to work with us,” he begs</p><p>Hubert sighs and shakes his head with a scowl. Linhardt watches Hubert leave dissatisfied but he’s unable to do anything more. A sense of relief passes over him as he can see Manuela smile a little at him. She sits down at the desk with a pen and scribbling on the files he gave to her. It comforts him. He won’t be alone to deal with this any longer. They settle down and work together in peace.</p><p>-</p><p>Hubert storms through the hallways, feeling his temper rising higher and higher by the minute. What happened to justice? Erasing corruption? Helplessness swells up inside him as he realizes he’s powerless to do anything meaningful. He can’t remember Ferdinand. He doesn’t have the inside jokes or the comradery that Edelgard has with him. He isn’t nurturing and caring like Manuela. His scientific expertise revolves around torture and information extraction, not healing and wellbeing. Edelgard has sent a private letter to Ferdinand’s mother against his better advice. No one is listening to him and he feels… lost.</p><p>He finds himself outside and sees Ferdinand laughing and yelling as he runs around with Caspar and Sylvain of all people. Of course, those two would slack off with him. Ferdinand stops and turns to look at him, blushing bright red but Caspar’s laughter distracts him as he runs after him, yelling some more but then he turns back and runs towards him.</p><p>“Hey…” Ferdinand says gently, reaching out to grab Hubert’s sleeve, tugging him inside away from the eyes of Sylvain and Caspar. “You look like you’re going to cry.”</p><p>Hubert blinks. “Do I? Why would you care if I did? Aren’t you cross with me?”</p><p>Ferdinand nods sagely and holds Hubert’s hand cradling it close to his chest and closing his eyes as he speaks. “That or you have a sore tummy... You know… It’s okay to cry if you need to. I am cross with you but… you’re my friend. It would be ignoble if I left you to cry alone. Do you want to talk about it?” Hubert doesn’t know what to say but he can feel the hot tears streaming down his face. He hears Ferdinand’s tiny gasp as he steps back and opens his arms to Hubert, whispering. “I’m tall now so I can hide you if you need to. You always were the best at hiding. Maybe you can teach me some?”</p><p>Hubert nods and steps into Ferdinand’s arms, allowing himself to be pulled down to curl up in his neck. How weak and childish of him… but Ferdinand doesn’t seem to mind as he cards his fingers through his hair. “There there, Hubert. It’s okay.” Hubert grips tighter onto Ferdinand.</p><p>“I’m taking advantage of your kindness. I’m sorry for whatever I did to make you cross…” he whispers.</p><p>“Nonsense! As I said, you’re my friend” Ferdinand begins as he cups Hubert’s cheeks, wiping away his tears, smiling softly down at him with a small giggle. “You do look like a handsome prince now that you’re older buuuut next time there’s a ball, you must promise to dance with me okay? Or I won’t forgive you.”</p><p>“I promise” he swears pulling away to bow slightly. “On my honour, I will dance with you.”</p><p>“Good! Now… I want to read a good book! A book about swords and knives and axes! Take me to find one?”</p><p>Hubert nods and extends his hand to Ferdinand. Bewilderment filling him but he allows himself to be led away from the training courtyard. He may not be able to help defeat the corruption or even discover it, but he can help Ferdinand like this. He can protect his gentle heart and show him the kindness he so dearly seems to crave. It is worth it for his bright smile.</p><p>Ferdinand wastes no time in telling Hubert with all the enthusiasm in the galaxy about his day. He tells Hubert that he got to have a sleepover with Edelgard, that he drew some amazing pictures of Titania while in Lin’s office and how cool Caspar is. The last point is questionable but he doesn’t argue as he leads Ferdinand to the library.</p><p>“And then, And then Sylvain showed up! And he brought a ball with him so we threw it and kicked it and he promised to teach me some card games later if I get bored!”</p><p>“I wouldn’t play card games with Sylvain. He’s a very good cheater.”</p><p>“Then, of course, I should play with him to stop him from cheating! Oh! Is this the library?”</p><p>“Well, it’s one of the libraries. There’s a few in Garreg Mach but this one should have books that you would like.”</p><p>“I like all sorts of books you know! I like noble stories of heroism the best! And weapons manuals! Did you know that Blacksmiths train for years to get really good at forging metal? And that they usually have to train as special apprentices under masters to get their skills?”</p><p>“I didn’t. I’m not familiar with the basic construction of metal weapons. I just buy what is good and small.”</p><p>Ferdinand looks up at Hubert, his eyes wide as saucers as he gasps in glee, “You have weapons?! Wow, can I see?”</p><p>“Maybe later. We’ll find you a book and once you’ve read it then maybe.”</p><p>Ferdinand follows Hubert around the library, trying not to be distracted by the vast selection. “But… Aren’t you too busy to stay here with me? Edelgard said you were a very busy person.”</p><p>Hubert pulls out a couple of books and leads them over to some couches. “I am but I’m taking the rest of the day off.”</p><p>“You can do that?”</p><p>“Well… Edelgard is always telling me that I work too hard and I need a break so I suppose…” He pauses, sitting down, opening his book, ignoring the way Ferdinand sits down next to him like a wriggly puppy. He sighs and eventually confesses, very softly, “I had a very difficult meeting earlier and I would like to spend some time with you to feel better. Because you are my friend.”</p><p>Ferdinand snuggles into Hubert’s side. “That’s what friends are for after all! Mama said that friends love and care for one another and help each other so I’m happy to help you, Hubert.”</p><p>“Thank you, Ferdinand… I appreciate it.” He says, getting comfortable with Ferdinand’s gentle weight on him.</p><p>“Friends also show each other their cool weapons, you know…”</p><p>“Hmm, I’m not sure your mother would approve of that…”</p><p>“Mama isn’t here and I’m an adult now!” he declares proudly, his chest puffing out.</p><p>Hubert snorts. “You are. But I did say later after the book and I keep my promises.”</p><p>Ferdinand huffs and pouts and wriggles further into Hubert’s side as he opens his book. “Fiiiiine! But you’re showing me the coolest ones!”</p><p>-</p><p>It is late into the evening and Edelgard enters the library after her busy day of meetings. She had just received word that Manuela would be helping them with Ferdinand’s care in future. It would be a long process, an arduous one but Edelgard was confident that they would do the best they could by Ferdinand.</p><p>She spots Hubert in the back corner and hides behind a bookshelf, hoping she’s not been spotted. She watches him brush a lock of hair away from Ferdinand’s sleeping face as he leans down to brush his lips on his forehead. He always was soft on him…</p><p>“It’s rude to spy, my lady” he murmurs as he lifts a sleeping Ferdinand into his arms along with his books.</p><p>Edelgard snorts and takes the books from him. “My apologies. I was just wondering where you were all afternoon. It is unlike you to take a day off but I can’t say I’m upset.”</p><p>“I had a difficult meeting and needed to do some thinking, plus someone had to drag Ferdinand away from Caspar and Sylvain before he got upset by their cheating at card games.”</p><p>“Oh Flames. Lets’ keep him from Claude’s scheming then… Did you find your answer?”</p><p>“Not yet but I think I know what I need to do for the moment.”</p><p>“Which is?”</p><p>“What I should have been doing from the first place.”</p><p>“Which happens to be?” Edelgard asks, unsure of what exactly Hubert means. There’s a lot of things he could have been doing after all.</p><p>“Listening to Ferdinand, rather than trying to dictate what I think is best for him,” he says quietly as they make their way through the dimly lit hallways to the sleeping quarters.</p><p>“Do you want me to take him again?” she whispers as they pass her room but Hubert shakes his head.</p><p>“I don’t think the optics would be beneficial to you. I’ll keep him with me for tonight or at least until we can figure out some alternative arrangements.”</p><p>Edelgard smiles, raising her eyebrow at Hubert’s slight blush as she gently tucks the books against Ferdinand’s chest, kissing his forehead in a goodnight gesture. Optics her ass…</p><p>“Goodnight Hubert,” she whispers, rising onto her tiptoes to kiss him on the cheek and then watches him leave, silently gliding down the dark hallways to his room before slipping inside to get some sleep.</p><p>-</p><p>Ferdinand wakes in the middle of the night with a sore stomach and a sore heart. He lets out a whimper and cries as he clutches his belly. His mother is in trouble and he can do nothing about it… He remembers the carriage being swarmed. He remembers his mother screaming for him to run and hide. Was he bad for asking Edelgard to write a letter? Will he have failed? He whimpers again and curls up in a ball. His body that feels too big for him, shakes. There’s a huge emptiness inside of him, overwhelming him. He knows so little but everyone else seems to know so much more. He’s lost. He’s trying to hide so well like he promised his Mama, but he got lost.</p><p>The panic that’s swelling up inside him eases a little when Hubert blearily curls up against his back and holds him tight to his chest. How he got into Hubert’s bed he doesn’t know but a thrill of delight rushes through him. Hubert sleepily mumbles something against his hair as he cuddles him, gently swaying a little. The soreness in his tummy relaxes a little. Ferdinand lets out a sob.</p><p>“Shhh… it’s okay Ferdinand,” Hubert mumbles with a yawn. “I’m here.”</p><p>Ferdinand nods and clings to Hubert. It’ll be okay. Hubert is here. He loves Hubert and Hubert will look after him. It will all be okay.</p>
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<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Chapter 6</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Thank you all again for reading and enjoying this fic. I'm constantly in awe and humbled by your engagement with it. Nothing makes me happier than your interactions and thoughts of where it is going. It's really fun to see you guys try to figure out where it's going.</p><p>With that, I'm sorry but we're back on the pain train. Please buckle in and enjoy the ride. Let me know what you think!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Loneliness has never been strange to Ferdinand. It followed him around like a shadow, a needy leech of a pet that would cling to his back, weighing him down until he was pressed to the ground, unable to move. When he lived with his mother and father, he spent all his time being shepherded around from place to place, expected to smile and behave for his father and his friends. Children should be seen and not heard. They should be a credit to their families. A mirror of their wealth and good breeding. Ferdinand’s feelings, opinions, thoughts didn’t matter. His father wanted so badly to be perceived as a great man, a knowledgeable man, a powerful man, that he was willing to do anything to get there. Ferdinand could see him throw big parties. He’d be paraded like a cute little marionette, expected to smile and wave and be delightful to bring prosperity to the Von Aegir name.</p><p>His mother loved him dearly and did her best to spend time with him when she could, but it was not proper for her to give him all the love, attention and cuddles he so desperately craved. He would spend hours upon hours as a young child just crying until he was nearly sick. Begging, wishing for a friend, someone who understood the deep pain, the deep loneliness within his soul. He would tell wild stories to his nursemaid in hopes that she would be impressed with how clever he was, how noble he was becoming but she would pay him no mind. He’d beg and plead for his mother, hoping to catch her sweet scent of perfume, to be wrapped up in her silken embrace, to play with her hair as it tumbled over her shoulder in shiny blonde waves. But as ever he was always refused.</p><p>Then one day his nursemaid had enough of his tantrums and his wailing. At the tender age of six, in the middle of the night when he had screamed and cried so much he was sick she dumped him in a cold bath and said to him, her big dark eyes boring into his soul, “You are the reason your mother is sick. Your wailing and tantrums. All of it. It is all your fault. If you do not stop, you will get sick too and we will have to send you away and you will never see your mother again. Do you want that?”</p><p>Ferdinand didn’t cry anymore after that. He didn’t try to show off to his nursemaid. He didn’t do anything but what he was told. It made his father happy, but it didn’t mean he got to see his mother any more than he was already.</p><p>The loneliness continued to eat away at him. It grew larger and larger and then Ferdinand started to feel like he was no better than the beautiful resin dolls some of the children of the court played with. No one wanted to play with him. No one could play with him. No one was allowed to. His father told him that everyone was too low in rank and Ferdinand was too scared to refuse his wishes in case he never saw his sweet mother again.</p><p>Then he met Edelgard and Hubert and everything changed. His wishes had been granted. He had friends in the Princess and her Retainer. Playmates and schoolmates. He treasured them both so deeply, but they seemed to treasure each other so much more. No matter how much he longed to be swallowed up and embraced by their strange relationship, he could never penetrate the delicate, glittering bubble that they were protected by. He could touch the surface, but he could never pop it.</p><p>When he woke up in this new place, in Gareg Mach, in an older body Ferdinand had been so lucky. For the past few weeks, he had spent time with Hubert and Edelgard and all of their friends in Garreg Mach. He had made so many new friends here. More than he had ever had before. The bubble had not popped but he could feel their warmth, their love. Edelgard and Hubert bundled him up in gentle acceptance. Everyone here cared for him in different ways, he was not doomed to be alone and unloved after all!</p><p>Dorothea reminded him so much of his mother but if she was a big sister. She was so beautiful, and her songs rang out through space. It felt like thousands of white birds lifting off into flight inside his heart. Even though she laughed at him and teased him, it never felt truly mean. She let him sit with her at her dressing table as she explained her many trinkets and gifts from her patrons all throughout the galaxy. She listened to his stories about his Mama and agreed with him that she was a wonderful woman, even though she had never met her. It made him feel warm.</p><p>Bernadetta was a beacon of calmness. She seemed to instinctively recognize his fear and his nervousness when they met weeks ago. He first found her tending large plants in the gardens, much bigger than herself while he was practising his hiding. He liked that she never judged him for trying to hide, instead, she quietly would sit with him as he told her fantastic stories, smiling patiently as she wrote or stitched a new toy. Sometimes she would let him read what she was writing if he promised never to tell anyone. Why she would be shy about such romantic writing he didn’t know but it was probably because it was a little too mushy. Still, he was only young, maybe he would grow into it?</p><p>He liked to watch Petra practice drills, her beautiful braids flying around as she struck down her training partners with exquisite precision. Caspar would often bring him to the training grounds to get him out of Linhardt’s hair as he did important work in his office. Petra offered to spar with him, but he was a little nervous to take her up on it until Dorothea had laughed and called him afraid. It surprised him how much like dancing it felt with Petra. She smiled and laughed and carefully corrected his form without judgement. He decided that she was the best training partner, maybe, aside from Edelgard…</p><p>Edelgard was so important now. She was so cool and dazzling as she walked around Garreg Mach holding important meetings with important people. It made him feel a little inadequate and question why he was even here in the first place. It made him want to hide and become as small as possible because he couldn’t see himself become as wonderful as she was now. Could he ever hope to be so dazzling as she was now?</p><p>And then there was Hubert… Hubert who is so stern and quiet. He would be Edelgard’s shadow whenever appropriate, bending down to mutter something in her ear whenever they were together. Jealousy wormed its way into his gut like a snake, curling and hissing until his tummy got all sore and knotted. The bubble around them would shimmer and Ferdinand would be reminded that he could never, would never be able to pop or penetrate it.</p><p>It was that sort of feeling that would send him to Linhardt’s office to hide. He would curl up on the medical cot, clutching his stomach as he tried his best not to cry. He was a big boy and he wouldn’t cry. Linhardt didn’t seem to mind any more if he was here as long, he was quiet so he stayed quiet and eventually he would fall asleep. Sometimes he would find Linhardt staring at him with a strange, sad look in his eyes as he scribbled down notes.</p><p>But today, he wasn’t given the opportunity to even lie down for a nap. After weeks of his little routine of making friends with everyone and staying out of trouble in Garreg Mach, Linhardt looked ready to sit down and talk with him.</p><p>“Ferdinand… I need to talk with you for a bit. Can we?” he asked, pulling together some papers as he did so.</p><p>Ferdinand nodded and sat down in the chair near his desk. The one he sometimes found Manuela sitting in. “’ Kay…”</p><p>Linhardt handed him a few pieces of paper as he started to talk, “So… you’ve been here with us for a couple of months, right?”</p><p>“Yes. I’ve been waiting for my mother to come to collect me,” he responds.</p><p>“Sure… But haven’t you wondered why your body and mind don’t… match?”</p><p>“It is strange and kind of scary but… I can do more things than I used to so… it’s not so bad I guess?”</p><p>Ferdinand watches as Linhardt frowns and sighs as he tries to figure out what to say. He mumbles something about Manuela, but Ferdinand can’t make out what exactly. Ferdinand listens carefully because it feels important to do so. He wishes Hubert or Edelgard was here with him but… he had to be a big brave boy. If he wanted to pop the bubble, if he wanted his mother to come back, he would have to be strong and independent.</p><p>“How old are you, Ferdinand… I mean how old do you feel?” Linhardt asks.</p><p>“I’m Ten years old… I think… I don’t know how old my body is.”</p><p>“Okay okay okay… so…” he stops and sighs, “I’m not very good at talking to kids.”</p><p>“I can tell. It’s okay Linhardt just tell me like you would tell Edelgard or Hubert. I’m as smart as them.”</p><p>Linhardt smiles oddly and raises his eyebrow, shaking his head before trying again. “Okay. Well if you don’t understand anything ask me when I’m done and I’ll try to explain it or I’ll get Manuela to or something. Alright, so, you said you feel ten, but your body is actually around your early twenties. I’m not exactly sure what age because well… Of what happened and how you’ve been treated since. Many factors could change how you’ve aged and I’m not sure what they are but I do know that something very bad happened to you.”</p><p>It’s actually strange how much of a relief hearing those words come from Linhardt is. An odd calmness washes over Ferdinand as he listens to Linhardt explain everything. He tells him about how he had been kidnapped by a bad group and made to do bad things and think in ways that he might not think for himself. He quietly listens to him rattle off all sorts of theories that he doesn’t get and maybe it doesn’t matter at all, but it confirms the deep feeling in his gut that he had had for weeks and weeks.</p><p>Something bad had happened to him.</p><p>Linhardt wanted to help him fix it.</p><p>He could see it so clearly in the frantic way Linhardt pulled out notes and just spoke about how much he went over different variables, whatever those were, in order to help him get his memories back, the ones that he accidentally had taken away, in a way that wouldn’t hurt Ferdinand.</p><p>“But the thing is… these memories are very sad and painful Ferdinand. I did a bad thing and I looked without asking, just to check they were still working. I’m very sorry.”</p><p>Ferdinand nodded. He wasn’t sure what to say but Linhardt looked so sad, so regretful. “So… the right thing to do would be to put the memories back where they belong then? Give them back to me?” he asked, feeling not entirely like he was understanding the whole situation.</p><p>“Yes. That would be the right thing to do. They are your memories after all.”</p><p>“What if I don’t want them back? You said they were sad. Why would I want sad memories back? What if it hurts? I’d rather it not hurt…”</p><p>“Because… Honestly… I don’t know.” Linhardt’s head dropped as he let out a breath. “I ruined this. I ruined everything for my own scientific curiosity and I’m sorry. I just want to try and make things right. For you, for everyone. I know that we can try and make the process as painless as possible, I promise that we will all look after you no matter what you decide to do.”</p><p>“Can I think about it?”</p><p>“Of course. Whenever you’re ready, Ferdinand. We can do whatever you want.”</p><p>Ferdinand sat quietly there for a moment. Manuela entered the room and started to talk to Linhardt, she sounded upset but Ferdinand wasn’t really listening. He was too busy thinking over everything Linhardt had just told him.</p><p>“Would this help a lot of people… me getting my memories back?” he asked, cutting through Manuela’s upset lecture.</p><p>The pair looked at him surprised for a moment. Linhardt nodded. “Potentially… I’m not going to lie to you. The people who hurt you are very important people politically who we think have hurt a lot of other people. Your experiences may help a lot of people if this all goes well.”</p><p>“Linhardt… he doesn’t have to if he doesn’t want to though,” Manuela chided.</p><p>“I know Manuela,” Ferdinand responded, hoping that they wouldn’t fight. “I’m thinking very hard about what to do… I know that I did bad things. I know that it wasn’t my fault and I know that if I was to go through with this… everyone would support me but I’m still scared.”</p><p>“That’s understandable, dear. Listen, you don’t have to if you don’t want to and we can wait. You have a home here no matter what.”</p><p>“But… Even though I’m scared. I know it’s the right thing to do. I have to help somehow. I see Edelgard and Hubert and everyone else doing all they can to help everyone. They’re all so tired and they all fight so much to do the best they can for Fodlan but I’m here… being a burden because… because…”</p><p>“Ferdie… you aren’t a burden. You’re anything but! You’ve brought the base so much joy since you’ve been here!” Manuela pleads with him, but Ferdinand shakes his head, his resolve hardening inside him like a block of ice.</p><p>“I don’t think my mama is going to come,” he says, watching the way Manuela’s face crumples for him. She tries to embrace him but he steps back shaking his head. “It’s been too long and… I have to do something! I have to help everyone somehow!”</p><p>“Linhardt… I swear whatever you said to him…” growls Manuela, turning to face Linhardt filled with righteous fury but Linhardt stands resolute, calm and collected.</p><p>“I told him what I told you Manuela. Maybe even more. He deserves to know. He deserves a choice. It might not be comfortable but he deserves it and if we deny him it because it makes us uncomfortable, wouldn’t that make us as bad as the people who put him in this situation in the first place?”</p><p>“Please don’t fight…” Ferdinand begs. “I don’t want you to fight over me. I just… I just want you to listen to me.”</p><p>The tension drops, like a penny falling into a bucket of water. They both look at him, shame on their faces as they nod.</p><p>Ferdinand stands and realizes how much taller he is than both of them. His stomach flips awkwardly as he tries to project a sense of maturity forth. He tries to imagine he’s in the same league as Edelgard and Hubert. He imagines them gliding through Garreg Mach, effortlessly, regally and he summons forth some of that strength for himself. He won’t be able to pop the bubble as he is. He won’t be able to see his mother or find out where she is if he isn’t brave. If he doesn’t risk anything.</p><p>“I am going to do a few things. Then I am going to come back. Please set everything up for going ahead tonight,” he says firmly, his voice wavering ever so slightly as he watches them both nod once again, Linhardt springing into action as he rushes to the computer with Manuela to begin the process he asked for.</p><p>He leaves the room and thinks about what he needs to do with the rest of his day. The scarce few hours he has left before he allows himself to be put back together.</p><p>He goes to the library and finds the pens and paper that Hubert showed him on one of their trips here and begins to write letters, put his affairs in order. It’s the noble thing to do.</p><p>Then once he is done with his letters for everyone, he goes outside to see the horses. He finds some sugar cubes for them and feeds them the sweet treats and his secrets. He whispers kind words into each of their noses, listens to their breaths as he tries to calm his own. He promises each and every one of his equine friends that when he is better, he will bring them back each the reddest juiciest apples he can find. He will make them flower crowns and he will tell them new secrets, happier secrets.</p><p>Then the dinner bell rings and Ferdinand walks through the darkening gardens. He can see the big mirror that is attached to the base, capturing the setting sun that shines down on them. He breathes in the cooling air and goes to the dining hall to see everyone.</p><p>Ferdinand feels like he’s in his own bubble as everyone save Linhardt gathers to eat dinner. Edelgard and Hubert are still in meetings as usual so at least he doesn’t have to face them. He doesn’t think he could go through with this if he did. The letters feel heavy in his pocket as he forces on a smile to communicate with them all. He takes bites his stomach doesn’t quite agree with to appear good and well. He wants to tell them what he’s about to do. He wants to beg them for support, for them to all come with him and tell him that he will be good and brave and strong. That he’s doing the right thing for them all. That no matter what the result that he is their friend. That they won’t forget Ferdinand Von Aegir.</p><p>But he doesn’t. He eats his food. He stands to leave, making an excuse that he needs to go have a bath because he was playing with the horses. He notices how Bernadetta’s eyes look sad for a moment, she perhaps recognizes something within him, but she says nothing. He knows that if she had the opportunity, she would bring it up later, try to comfort him in her uniquely strong way.</p><p>He leaves the dining room and goes up to see Linhardt and Manuela. He hands Manuela the letters he has written. One for each of his friends. One for Edelgard, and one for Hubert.</p><p>“I’m ready now,” he declares standing tall in front of Linhardt as he sits in front of his console.</p><p>Linhardt nods and rises to take him over to where his bed used to be. A pod is there instead. Linhardt explains everything to him but his heart is beating too fast to listen properly. He is handed a consent form which he signs with no hesitation, trying to read it but he can’t focus enough to do so. He knows he will be kept alive and safe in the pod. He knows he won’t go hungry or get sick no matter how long it takes. He’ll just sleep for as long as it needs to take to happen. Linhardt rattles off all sorts of different words about how the memory transfer process will work exactly and Ferdinand just stands there and nods.</p><p>“And if everything doesn’t work and we can’t do the transfer, I have your memories backed up” Linhardt finishes, returning to his console to type in some things, causing the pod to light up in a pale white light. It hums gently as it is brought to life.</p><p>Manuela grips his hand gently.</p><p>“You don’t have to do this now Ferdinand. We can wait another day if you wish?” she says, perhaps pleading with him. But he shakes his head and touches the lid of the pod.</p><p>“No… I have to do this. I’m sorry.” Ferdinand stops and steps back as the pod opens. “It’ll be like sleeping and I’ll wake up and you will be here.” He steps into the pod and lies down. He feels the way the sensors tickle at his skin as they make contact, but it doesn’t hurt. Linhardt promised that it wouldn’t hurt.</p><p>The pod closes. Manuela’s words are muffled. He closes his eyes and listens to the beeps. He breathes in and out. Slowly, carefully, gently, a wave washes over him. He falls asleep. He is washed out to sea.</p><p>-</p><p>It is midnight. The meetings with Dimitri and Claude had gone far overboard. Hubert watches as Dedue gently places a hand on Dimitri’s tense shoulder, murmuring something about chamomile tea. Dimitri smiles up at him and nods as he rises, his back cracking and creaking back into its place after so long sitting. A few other backs crack in sympathy with Dimitri's as they make to leave the room. Lorenz and Claude follow, quietly bickering and sniggering amongst themselves leaving Edelgard sitting alone in the boardroom, tired and worn down from the careful planning that had been done throughout the day.</p><p>He knew better than anyone how much she loved and hated these meetings. The frustration, the accomplishment, the victorious joy from the harmonious moments and the rage when she fought for her position and lands so wonderfully. Hubert rested his hand on her shoulder and felt her tension, solid and burdensome. She carried so much.</p><p>“Shall we go find Ferdinand and take some tea? Tell him the news?” he suggested. It was no secret to the pair of them that over the past few weeks, Ferdinand had become somewhat of a secret joy to them both. It felt wrong in so many ways considering his situation, but he was always delighted to see them. Edelgard softened in ways that he had never seen her do before outside of the moments she spent with a certain mercenary, who he hadn’t seen in quite a while.</p><p>She nodded and smiled, stretching as she stood. “Yes, I think that would do the trick. I’m honestly rather excited to see his reaction. Where do you suppose he would be?”</p><p>They made their way down the hallways to the library, to the dining room, to the common rooms to ask their comrades if they had seen him.</p><p>“He went to have a bath, I think?” Dorothea said as she sat on the sofa snuggled up to Petra, filing her nails in one of the common areas. Petra nodded in agreement.</p><p>“He seemed sad at dinner…” Bernadetta added quietly. “I wanted to find him after his bath, but he wasn’t in the library or the gardens. Maybe he just went to bed?”</p><p>Edelgard thanked everyone as they left to go upstairs to Hubert’s room, hoping that Ferdinand was just awake reading. If he was sad then surely they would be able to help. But to Hubert’s bewilderment, Ferdinand was nowhere to be seen in his room. Not on the sofa by the window, or curled up in the bed. So they tried Edelgard’s rooms and couldn’t find him there either.</p><p>Hubert was reminded of the day that Ferdinand had gone missing and the fears of his father having somehow infiltrated Garreg Mach rose within him once more but Edelgard stood firm, took his hand and dragged him towards the medical bay before his pesky brain could chase that train of thought.</p><p>The medical bay was set in an odd pale glow. Green and blue lights reflected off the walls as the room hummed and buzzed. Linhardt sat next to his console with Manuela as they tracked the data that flooded the screen.</p><p>They looked down to where Ferdinand’s bed was and found a pod.</p><p>“Linhardt… Manuela… what is going on?” Edelgard’s voice asked, cutting through the gentle, steady hum.</p><p>The pair looked up at them. “He wanted to go through with it. He signed his consent and everything” Linhardt said, holding up a sheet of paper. Hubert takes it and reads everything that is detailed there. All of the pros and cons of the process are clearly stated there. Ferdinand’s signing of this indicates that he has understood and asked all the questions he’s wished to before but… he can’t help feeling betrayed.</p><p>“I don’t understand…” he says, not meaning to speak his thoughts like this. “Why would he go ahead with this and not tell us?”</p><p>“I don’t know. I thought he would have told both of you,” Manuela responds, slightly bewildered.</p><p>Edelgard says nothing but stands by the pod, touching her hand to the glass. Ferdinand rests inside. Silent and beautiful. Suspended in time once again. To heal.</p><p>Hubert combs his hand through his hair, rubbing his scalp as he paces. The hurt bubbles up inside him. He tries to rationalize it, tries to reason with it but its there. Ferdinand looked at him like he hung the moon and the stars from the sky itself but wouldn’t tell him that he was ready.</p><p>Linhardt’s calm, tired voice cuts through it all. “It took some time for me… but I figured it out. Ferdinand owes us nothing. Our comfort means nothing. Not if it means that we can give Ferdinand the hope and closure that he needs.”</p><p>Edelgard finally speaks. Her voice cracking slightly. “His mother… his mother was going to come next week… we had found her. I wanted it to be a surprise. I was going to tell him tonight.”</p><p>Manuela stands and gently touches Edelgard’s shoulder. “Maybe that will be a good thing. I’m not sure how long this will take but if he can have his mother here with him through the rehabilitation process, at least for some of it… maybe that would be better than seeing him as a child.”</p><p>“I suppose you’re right… it still hurts.”</p><p>“Everything is going smoother than it went last time. The chip is deactivated and will be removed in the pod so I can analyse it outside of Ferdinand. The memory upload is happening without the interference of it so… I’m not sure how long the upload will take. It’s years of information but I have faith that this time, things will go better.”</p><p>Hubert watches the percentage tick up slowly. He looks at the meter on the pod and recognises that he feels different than he did last time than he was in this position. Instead of feeling anger and disdain at the mere prospect of Ferdinand he feels afraid for him, he will never admit it, but he feels something deep inside himself, a tenderness that was not there before. Edelgard looks at him as if to sniff out his very weakness and reaches out to squeeze his hand. He doesn’t dare vocalise the betrayal, the pain he feels at Ferdinand having told them nothing. He wants to dig into his files, find out every bit of information about what is going on. Everything that Linhardt is denying him, consume it all and drench himself inside and out in the very essence of Ferdinand so that he may understand his problems and fix them but instead he stands here, uselessly watching numbers tick up and up, point by point. He cannot solve anything here. His skills are useless here.</p><p>He bows and leaves the room to return to his own.</p><p>He lies down in his bed. He was supposed to be there for him. Again, he had failed in protecting someone he cared about. He vowed quietly in the night while holding him close that he would be there for Ferdinand. But it wasn’t enough. His inability to form real, human connections outside of professional boundaries had failed him. Ferdinand did not trust him enough to tell him his fears, even if he cried and sobbed into the night. Hubert couldn’t ask him, couldn’t bridge the gap. Too afraid that what might be there would be a mirror of his own childhood, staring him in the face, unlocking horrors that he had forced down deep inside himself. Unaddressed, hidden, out of sight and out of mind because it did not matter. Not for the mission. Not for what he needed to do protect Edelgard and the Black Eagles Strike Force.</p><p>The scent of Ferdinand’s sweet hair taunts him in his failure. The inky darkness envelops him. Hubert failed Ferdinand. He forgot Ferdinand and he is afraid of and for Ferdinand. Afraid of the feelings that he has dragged up within him and afraid that whatever Linhardt does may be the final straw that breaks his back.</p><p>Hubert has so many questions and no answers. He turns his face into the pillows, nuzzling deep as he inhales the scent of Ferdinand’s warmth, still lingering on the bed sheets, and screams.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Chapter 7</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Thank you everyone for reading. I hope you like the chapter. Please let me know what you think.</p><p>As ever, please be kind to yourselves.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It had been a month since Hubert left Garreg Mach on Azrael. Edelgard had passed a letter to him before he boarded, it was from Ferdinand. He couldn't bear to open it and see what was inside. He couldn't bear to think about him even if that was all his brain seemed to want to do. At least Edelgard understood his need to get away. She understood that he wanted to, needed to throw himself into his work with everything he had simply to feel some sort of normality. Some sort of control. The first thing he did was raze Azrael, seeking out every single gift his father had given him over the years. The watches, the scarves, the pens and baubles. He gathered them up into a pile, picked them apart to see if there was any kind of bug that he missed in his disinterest, which thankfully there was none and then destroyed each and every last one of them. Curse his father.</p><p>With this new sense of relief, he was able to work on his cases out in the peace of space. Fly around the stars to his hearts' content. He was able to contact and liaise with his spies more freely. Byleth and Jeralt sent him reports from their archives of having disbanded several trafficking rings before their current arrangement with Garreg Mach. It was truly illuminating to piece together all the data that he had been keeping over the years, mapping out each point of corruption where it had seemingly blossomed from and linking it to the next part in the terrifying web that Those Who Slither in the Dark had woven. Furthermore, it was always such a satisfying thing to see the pieces he had put in place months, perhaps years ago fall into place and to move his units to new positions to collect new data and information to analyse and parse to further fill out his map as he tried to fight this underground war for Edelgard and the Black Eagles Strike Force.</p><p>Still, the temptation to return to Garreg Mach before Ferdinand woke up was strong. Each day he receives a small message from Linhardt showing that Ferdinand was still asleep and probably would be for some time. The progress meter would barely progress as the days went by and every time he asked Azrael for an update, despite his best judgement, it would rarely change. It was maddening. Hubert knew he was torturing himself, punishing himself, finding himself looking at the files he had mistakenly taken with him. All the evidence of Ferdinand's erasure, Edelgard and Lorenz's accounts reminding him that he had forgotten him. Where did he fit in the web of corruption? His gut told him that if he could crack this mystery, maybe he would be able to unearth the deepest evils and strike. But the question that plagued him was how? The more time he spent with Ferdinand, the time he now spent without Ferdinand, it all came into sharp focus with searing clarity. How could he have forgotten someone so bright and dazzling as Ferdinand?</p><p>The boy, well... the man as the boy was someone shining, a kind and soft soul who had spent so much time trailing after Hubert like a puppy through the grounds of Garreg Mach. His pure kindness took Hubert aback. The way he would look at him like he was someone who hadn't seen the horrors of the galaxy. Like he hadn't spent his whole life disposing of anyone who dared to go against Edelgard and her glorious plans of peace. He was knee-deep in blood and yet when Ferdinand looked at him, he would simply smile and be happy to be with him. No expectations held. No fears. Just pure enjoyment. He was so sure that he would hate him when they met or worse, not even care about him. He was certain that he would have just dropped Ferdinand off at Garreg Mach for Linhardt to experiment upon and go back to his work but much like Edelgard did, Ferdinand grabbed him by the heartstrings and would not let go.</p><p>He would lie awake night after night as the weeks passed with little progress on Ferdinand’s awakening listening to the gentle hum of Azrael as she avoided the obstacles of space. Time seemed to fade into nothing, and he would sift through the folders in his mind for any sort of idea on how he came to be this way, without memory of Ferdinand. His body remembered more than his mind did. It had felt so natural to have Ferdinand cling to his arm, to curl up against his back in the night, to be embraced so sweetly. As much as Hubert had wanted to deny any sort of touch, any sort of connection to Ferdinand at first, it soothed him. And now he was without it, it felt like he was missing a limb.</p><p>The gentle, unconditional adoration that Ferdinand gave to him left Hubert feeling such guilt which morphed into a sadness that transformed into rage. The same rage that made him question Edelgard’s treatment in her captivity. He was fifteen when he lost her. She wouldn’t speak to anyone of what she faced in Fareghus, carrying it proudly on her shoulders, with her shocking white hair and her burning bright eyes, she vowed for revenge and change. Edelgard’s revelations of Ferdinand’s friendship shook him in the same way. How could anyone take someone so gentle and kind as that boy, a boy who he forgot, and turn them into the gasping, panting, crying object that he was given? It was only with this distance that he could try to process it. But he couldn’t.</p><p>In the depths of the night, in his bed, on the Azrael, his mind would wander. He would long for Ferdinand's warm body to crawl onto his lap. Long for his strong arms to wrap around him desperately like he did when they first met. He would think of Ferdinand begging for him, pleading to be held and touched and Hubert would yearn and ache for nothing more. His guilty shame. He would close his eyes and dream of consuming Ferdinand like a terrifying black beast. Tearing into his ripe and tender flesh and eating him piece by piece until he was safe and sound inside him. Gobbling up his tender warm light so no one else could extinguish it.</p><p>The disgust that would follow in the morning would gnaw at him but that was when the work would pile up. He would get into dogfights with Adrestian traders, flying recklessly and dangerously, hoping to crash into a star or a passing comet for penance. His wish to help Ferdinand transformed into a need to possess him, a need to hold him so close and so tight that nothing could hurt him anymore and that scared him. That is when he would get the longing to go chase after his father, to understand what he had done. How he had bought him, who made Ferdinand into a beautiful tempting doll.</p><p>The realisation hit him on his final night on the Azrael that he would destroy himself first before destroying Ferdinand. Edelgard would never forgive him if he did, and he wasn't sure if he could forgive himself.</p><p>He sat at his desk ready to plot his way back to Garreg Mach. It had been at least a month he guessed since he left. Maybe two. It was time to return. He opened a drawer in his desk and looked at the letter he stashed in there. He pondered opening it, seeing the careful penmanship of his name but he wouldn't. Whatever was contained in there, whatever apologies or platitudes Ferdinand wrote, he did not deserve.</p><p>-</p><p>Ferdinand woke up on the beach. There was a fire in the distance behind him. He could hear his mother's cries, begging him to run and hide. So he got up like a shaky foal and ran as fast as he could. He remembered this. Running to the sea. He hoped to dive into the cold water. He hoped to be delivered by the icy water to a place of safety but before he could dive off from the shore, he was grabbed by several men. His mother's terrified howling filled his ears. She begged for them to let him go. He remembers shaking he remembers struggling but everything fell into the darkness.</p><p>Ferdinand knows he is dreaming. Linhardt told him that these are his memories, the ones that were taken away from him. The memories of how he came to be. He is aware of this going on but it all feels so foreign and wrong. These memories cannot be his. He cannot be feeling these horrible, terrible things. Not really. He can't be this scared boy, given away by his father like a bad dog that has displeased its owner. He can't accept it. He won't accept it. If he doesn't accept it, maybe it won't hurt him as much.</p><p>He can't be someone who has been broken down like this. He can't be someone who lives his life in a lavishly plush room where gentlemen enter to take tea as he sits there and giggle on command like a wind-up doll. He sings for them songs and does little dances in the most ridiculously slinky outfits as Arundel oversees his "development" into the perfect bed-mate, the perfect pet, the perfect doll. He is used to listen into important conversations between nobles in the Federation, held in secret places. He is porcelain and pretty and happy to be smashed on the ground into a thousand pieces, again and again, only to be stuck together with superglue. His mind wiped over and over with a crown placed upon his brow as it takes away everything he learns for his masters and replaces it with new commands, new orders that Arundel tells him in his deep silky voice that slithers deep inside him and strangles the life out of him. But Ferdinand watches it all take place in his rebuilding memories, disbelieving that this was what happened. This was his fate. This is what he had lived through. Torture, abuse and rape as important men discussed the fate of the Adrestian Federation's underground over his young and broken body.</p><p>It's not until he sees Hubert in his memories that he understands fully that this is not just a horrible dream. Hubert stands there with his father. He guesses he is about 15, Hubert that is. He looks so gangly and awkward standing next to his father. He’s only a little bit older since he had last seen him at the ball, but he seems so much taller as he sits down, unaware of Ferdinand for the moment. He can hear him asking his father if he’s going to get to see Edelgard. Aldrich clicks his fingers and several men emerge from the shadows to tie Hubert down.</p><p>Ferdinand remembers despite everything that had happened to him, that his heart leapt up into his throat as he desperately tried to call out to him, but there is nothing he can do. His voice is silent. Hubert is bound up tightly and gagged before him. His eyes are wild as he searches the room for an exit. He was tricked. Edelgard isn’t here. His eyes land on Ferdinand sitting on Arundel’s lap and Hubert’s eyes widen in horror as he calls out his name desperately before a rag is stuffed into it.</p><p>Ferdinand knows that at this point, in his memory he doesn’t know who Hubert is in his mind, but his heart recognises him. His heart knows that this boy is his friend. He is certain that no amount of programming can take that away. Or so he thinks. They are best friends. He loves Hubert and the power of love can defeat anything. His mama told him so but as he watches the scene progress, he finds his heart breaking.</p><p>But in his memory, Arundel holds him on his lap as he turns Ferdinand's head to look at Hubert. Their eyes meet. Hubert looks so afraid, something is breaking inside him and Ferdinand swears that as he watches this memory play out, he must be breaking too. He has to be. They can’t have taken so much away from him. He couldn’t have let them. His mother had to be right…</p><p>Still, Arundel whispers some words in his ear. “One day you are going to meet this boy, and you are going to kill him. This is the end I am training you for. Remember that.”</p><p>The Ferdinand in his memory can only nod as Arundel chuckles. Hubert is yelling and struggling in the chair across the room, his long legs kicking as much as they can. Ferdinand remembers the hot tears streaming down his own cheeks as he watches Hubert desperately try to break free to reach him. Arundel clicked his tongue as he wiped his tears, “It seems the programming has slipped somewhere. You should not be reacting like this. We’ll have to do another wipe. Did you get the Data you needed Aldrich?”</p><p>Ferdinand notices Hubert’s recognition of him as he is lifted and carried away in Arundel’s arms. He remembers him here. It was probably the last time he would. As the memory starts to fade, he can hear Hubert yelling for him as he spits the gag out, desperately trying to break free of his bonds to reach for him. Panic filling his eyes as he is carried off. Ferdinand watches as Aldrich presses a needle into Hubert’s neck, he goes limp. A crown is placed upon his head and Ferdinand knows what is about to happen to Hubert.</p><p>-</p><p>Hubert arrives at Garreg Mach late at night to no grand fanfare but Edelgard still greets him in her dressing gown with a hot, strong drink for him. They wander through the aircraft hangars and the security check area with no issues as they are easily recognised.</p><p>“I saw the work you did on Nuvelle. It was very impressive,” she comments as they walk through the public spaces towards the Black Eagles quarters.</p><p>“It was no trouble. I needed to finish that mission. I’m glad you found the results satisfactory. The full report will be on your desk in the morning.”</p><p>She nods and sips her drink. The company is comfortable, and Hubert feels himself relaxing once more. Like he is slipping into a warm bath.</p><p>“Did you get the time you needed?” she asks quietly, reaching over to grip his arm gently in concern. “We missed you… Everyone is worried you know.”</p><p>Hubert swallows a mouthful of his drink and feels it burn down his throat. “Yes… I suppose I didn’t take it too well,” he chuckles as he nervously combs a hand through his hair, trying to avoid Edelgard’s sharp gaze.</p><p>“Did you read his letter, Hubert? Please tell me you have.”</p><p>“I have not. I have been busy. You’ve seen my reports,” he tries to explain but Edelgard huffs and rolls her eyes.</p><p>“You may be one of the bravest men I know but you can be such a coward.”</p><p>“Being evasive is part of my job,” he tries to quip, but it causes Edelgard’s frown to deepen.</p><p>“Hubert… I was worried you wouldn’t come back. I was worried you would go do something foolish and get yourself hurt. Please never do anything like this again.”</p><p>Hubert stands in front of his room with his drink. Edelgard is shaking. Shame sweeps through him but he opens his arms to her as she steps in to hold him tight. He has no words he can give her; an apology would feel too hollow. He can’t lie to her.</p><p>“I am glad you took time for yourself, don’t get me wrong. But I heard about you chasing after those ships recklessly and I was scared that even if I commanded it that you wouldn’t come back. Not in the state you were in.” She steps back and looks up at him. Tears are bubbling up in her eyes. “You’re the only family I have left Hubert, I can’t lose you.”</p><p>“You have the Strike Force. Aren’t they family?”</p><p>Her eyes widen and she nods, quietly admitting, “They are but they’re not <em>you</em>, Hubert.”</p><p>“I’m sorry I made you cry again,” he murmurs using his gloved thumb to wipe away a stray tear.</p><p>She nods and squeezes him once more, stepping back. “Now… rest up. Byleth and Jeralt brought Lucretia from wherever she’s been hiding. I’m sure you’d like to meet with them tomorrow.”</p><p>“It has been a while since I have played cards… Good night Edelgard. Sleep well.”</p><p>-</p><p>Lucretia is a tall and elegant woman. She sits with Edelgard and Byleth in the morning sunshine, smiling warmly as Hubert arrives, feeling haggard from his uneasy rest.</p><p>She tells them of the small estate she keeps on a small planet in the Dagdan territories. “I’m actually staying with a close friend of mine,” she confesses over a sip. “She managed to help me out of the situation I was in. I’ve already told the Princess, Hubert, but I am very grateful for what you have done so far for Ferdinand.” She falls silent and Hubert sits awkwardly with his cup of over-steeped tea.</p><p>He doesn’t know how to confess to her that he has no memory of their childhood together and that the memories of Lucretia herself are fuzzy at best. “It was the right thing to do. I am glad you will be reunited,” he says, hoping he doesn’t sound as wooden as he feels. The warm smile she gives him in return is like a precisely aimed puncture to his chest, it reminds him too much of Ferdinand’s.</p><p>She opens her mouth to say something but then shakes her head and returns to conversing with Edelgard about Enbarr high society. Dorothea and Manuela are brought up as is the Opera. Edelgard skilfully manoeuvres the conversation from one suitable topic to another as he exchanges a glance with Byleth. They seem to be doing well since he last saw them. He’s still unnerved by how they refuse to align themselves with any of the Fodlan factions but he respects their patient counsel and unparalleled tactical intellect.</p><p>The morning passes and Hubert knows that he should pay Linhardt and Manuela a visit. He should check up on how Ferdinand is progressing, but he can’t physically bring himself to do so. He tries to ignore the looks that everyone gives him as they silently urge him to get over himself and just break bread with his feelings, but he can’t.</p><p>Byleth corners him, shaking a small tin of what sounds like game pieces. “Wouldn’t you rather spend time with Edelgard and the others?” he asks.</p><p>“I spent plenty of time with everyone while you were still out in space. I enjoy your company too and Claude and Sylvain are too busy with their work today to play with me,” they say, smiling.</p><p>Hubert is about to kindly refuse, perhaps using his paperwork as an excuse but then Byleth pulls out a pouch from a pocket on their thigh and the aroma of strong coffee fills the air. Byleth waggles it gently along with the tin. He huffs and nods. Byleth always did have the best taste in coffee.</p><p>To Hubert’s relief, Byleth does not question him on his feelings regarding Lucretia’s presence. They simply play the game that they’ve set out. It’s soothing to Hubert to be able to focus on the exercise of figuring out his opponent’s moves in order to crush them with swift efficiency. As ever, Byleth does not make it easy for him. He always comes away from their games having learned something new about his own methods of being a tactician. And once the game is over that is when Byleth rests their face on their hands and tilts their head with that large seemingly blank stare that pierces into his conscience. A silent offer to talk through his feelings in a safe, non-judgemental space.</p><p>“I assume you’ve heard of the situation, given you keep an eye on the agents of Those Who Slither in the Dark,” he begins, trying to keep a professional face on as he pours Byleth another cup of coffee.</p><p>They nod. “I am well abreast of the goings-on. Edelgard has been keeping myself and Jeralt in the loop ever since you asked us to find Lucretia. We have dismantled several operations that seem to be similar to this over the past few years, but you know this. You received our report.”</p><p>“I did. I have read it. I placed it into the map with all my data and drew connections. I have theories but… nothing solid.”</p><p>“You’re avoiding the question I’m asking,” they continue, pulling a piece of jerky from a pouch on their person and offering Hubert a piece.</p><p>Byleth always seemed to do this since they became a friend of Garreg Mach. It was a joke among the Blue Lions faction that Byleth was something like a therapist and honestly, at this point, Hubert could see why. They had an uncanny ability to just sense discomfort and pounce upon it for better or for worse. He politely refuses the jerky, raising his hand as he huffs, “You technically haven’t asked anything.”</p><p>“I don’t need to. Not when you are asking yourself the questions. Will you answer them? Will you give yourself peace?”</p><p>“Ever the one to pick apart our minds…” he chuckles, feeling the gentle pressure of concern. He can’t help but crumble under their deep blue gaze, spilling out his logical anxieties. “It makes me question if someone picked apart mine. I dread to think of it, but it is the only conclusion I can draw to this situation… I worry I have compromised everything simply by being here.”</p><p>“I doubt their technology could read your mind from this far away even if you had been compromised at some point. Do you even know for what purpose Ferdinand was given to you?”</p><p>“I do not, I also have reservations on asking.”</p><p>“That is smart. Keep your cards close to your chest,” Byleth says nodding in approval. They tap their fingers on the table before gathering up the pieces from their game. “I would wait too. I think given everything I know from my experience and what you have shared, your fears regarding compromising Garreg Mach’s position are logical but unfounded, especially as you are unchipped if your physicals are to be believed. Anything else?”</p><p>“Nothing that I would tell even you, no matter how good you are at your interrogations.”</p><p>Byleth smiles and snorts. It never looks quite right on their face but they pat Hubert on the shoulder as they drop the remainder of the coffee bean pouch on the table for Hubert to enjoy later, leaving him to sit with his thoughts and the remaining dregs in the kettle.</p><p>-</p><p>It had been a month and a half for Ferdinand’s memories to upload. Linhardt watched with Manuela as the progress bar beeped its completion. From what he could see on the console, everything went without a hitch. No corruptions, no snags. The process went as slow as it needed to and now, they were in the unknown area. Linhardt spent weeks wondering what this moment would be like as the progress bar hit 100%. He spent nights sitting up in Caspar’s arms wondering if he had broken Ferdinand beyond repair, but Manuela seemed to have more faith than he did. There were so many times he wanted to just send a message to Hanneman or Seteth and pass the project off but whenever he looked at the pod and saw his reflection in the glass, he knew that Edelgard’s words had been right. He wouldn’t be able to forgive himself if he didn’t follow through until the end, no matter if it was a sweet or bitter one.</p><p>He put out a message to Hubert and Edelgard as soon as the reading came through. It was late at night, just before he had meant to go to bed. Typical… He initiated the wake-up protocol, which would take some time, slowly acclimatising Ferdinand’s body and mind out of its regenerative state. Another alert would tell them when he was ready to come out but for now, they just had to wait.</p><p>Still, Hubert arrived promptly, bone-tired as he seemed to be but he sat quietly in the corner of the medical bay. Linhardt could see that he was anxious from the way he tapped one of his fingers against his knee as he tried to stay awake, reading through reports, attempting to seem disinterested. He was fooling no one. Linhardt felt himself nodding off on the console. It would take some time… he could get in a nap… He closed his eyes.</p><p>-</p><p>The pod opened with a gentle hiss and Ferdinand emerged, glowing in the pale light. Ferdinand wasn’t sure what he expected, it was the same room he entered the pod, but everything was different. He was different. It was dark in the medical bay save for a couple of dim lamps illuminating the console and a small area where Hubert had fallen asleep.</p><p>Oh… Hubert was here. Hubert came to see him but… he had fallen asleep? He quietly climbed down from the pod, feeling a little bit shaky and approached Hubert who sat in the chair, slightly slouched, face tipped forward. He looked so peaceful. Ferdinand wondered if he was still dreaming. Maybe this was his mind apologising to him for all the horrors he had seen. He couldn’t help but reach out and brush the hair out of Hubert’s face with a single finger. He lifts his other hand, gently cradling the side of Hubert’s face as he caresses his sharp cheekbones with his thumb.</p><p>He was real. He was here. He touched Hubert! Hubert who was not his master but his friend. Someone he cared deeply for. Someone who was hurt just like he was but at the same time he wasn’t. Ferdinand’s chest tightened. They weren’t the same. Ferdinand was… Ferdinand is… well, he’s broken. His memories are back but they don’t feel like they belong to him. He is ten years old but also older but also… older. He is a toy, a pretty doll, the perfect bed partner, a servant, <em>a killer</em>. He is everything and he is nothing. He is Ferdinand von Aegir but also... not. It makes him feel dizzy and sick as the past and the present try to organize themselves in his head. In the dim light of the medical bay, as he stands in front of Hubert, he questions: Who is he truly? Ferdinand pulls his hands away, letting the strands of hair fall back onto Hubert’s face. He could wake him now, all he would need to do would be to shake his shoulder and say his name but he can’t. The words don’t come. He is a coward.</p><p>He was made to kill him and that in itself is unforgivable and to Ferdinand’s horror, the itch to reach out and wrap his hands around Hubert’s neck, to squeeze the life out of him is still there and Ferdinand cannot allow that. He steps back and returns to the pod and hits the sleep button again. He will sleep a little more until the morning. Tomorrow, he can try to sort things out but for now, he wants to run and hide, to be the beautiful little boy in their hearts for a little while longer.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. Chapter 8</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hello! I know this has been a while! I struggled a bit with this chapter and with everything that has been going on with me I needed to step back and take a bit of a break. </p><p><b>CW: This chapter features identity issues and disassociation. It will not be marked.</b> </p><p>Thank you for your patience. Please be kind to yourselves! Enjoy the chapter! Let me know what you think!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Hubert has never been much of a dreamer. Sleep to him is something utilitarian and necessary to keep his body functioning. When he does sleep it’s only really for the required amount of time and then he gets up to prepare for his day. When Hubert returned to Garreg Mach, he noticed to his unease that he was dreaming more. Through his dealings with Ferdinand, he began to dream more and more importantly, pay attention. </p><p>Sometimes they were gentle things. Fields of flowers and the songs Ferdinand would sing. His soft body moving through rooms, through time and space. All abstract. All incomprehensible and unfathomable yet he woke feeling an emptiness in his chest, a gentle yearning that was most unlike him. He tried his best to compartmentalise it, brush it aside but it lingered and grew into the affection that ultimately brought him back to Garreg Mach. But the night Ferdinand woke up from his pod, memories installed correctly in their place, Hubert dreamed of something disturbing. He was young, around the age that Edelgard disappeared, maybe a little younger? The dream was so clear, like a memory replaying in his mind. He was climbing a tall tree in the royal gardens to reach a golden eagle. He was afraid and upset about it but he didn’t want to be bested at a silly climb. Edelgard was watching at the foot in her puffy red dress yelling about how unfair it was that the both of them had climbed so high when she couldn’t follow in her dress. It didn’t really make any sense to Hubert but when he reached the top, the branch broke, and he fell. The scene faded away. Hubert was swallowed up in an inky blackness. The golden eagle hung almost close enough to reach and he tried, screaming and howling. For some reason, he was calling Ferdinand’s name. But Ferdinand wasn’t here. Then it was like he was engulfed in the dark liquid, the golden light of the eagle fading, going further and further away. The inky blackness choked him, engulfed him, paralysed him. He struggled but he couldn’t escape. He could hear voices that were deep and unknowable. He tried to make out what they were saying, hoping to find a clue to escape. Knowledge was power after all. But just as he began to comprehend, to gain some breath back, he woke up.</p><p>Lucretia von Aegir knelt before him, a look of concern on her fair countenance as her hand shook his shoulder. She was so pale and lovely that Hubert felt himself wish to physically recoil. But he didn’t. Instead, he straightened up, combing his hands through his hair as his thumbs found their way to his eyes wiping the crust away. Why did it have to be her in the early morning light? His stomach lurched awkwardly at the dissonance of knowing who she was but coming up blank yet again at any sort of meaningful interaction beyond the tea party which Edelgard held a couple of days ago.</p><p>“Good… I’m sorry for waking you but you seemed to be having a terrible nightmare,” she said gently, handing him the reports that had spilt to the floor off his knee while he slept. “Sleeping like that in a chair can’t have been comfortable. Your neck must be in a lot of pain.”</p><p>His voice came out in a dry rasp as it were wont to do pre-coffee, “I’m used to it. My apologies if I disturbed you.”</p><p>“Not at all,” she replies, the conversation fizzling out into an awkward silence. Hubert sat up straight and stretched, his neck and shoulders cracking as they did. Lucretia rose and moved behind him, to do something, leaving him a moment to look around, yawning into his hand.</p><p>They were in the medical bay and Ferdinand’s pod was still closed, still sleeping. From his judgement, it was early in the morning, surely no later than eight am. Linhardt and Manuela were at the console humming and musing over the data displayed on them. Lucretia tapped Hubert’s forearm gently and offered him a steaming cup of coffee. He nodded in thanks as she passed it over with a smile that looked frightfully similar to Ferdinand’s own. It was only natural that he got her looks from her, Ludwig was not known for his appearance in the least. </p><p>Her voice breaks the silence once again as she confesses, “I’ve been here for an hour now. Manuela tells me that everything went wonderfully and we just need to wait for him to wake up but I find myself growing impatient… It’s been so long.”</p><p>Hubert is at a loss for words, unable to think of anything to say to her, still feeling shame at the lack of memory of her but as if perfectly timed, the pod beeps and hisses as the door begins to open. Linhardt and Manuela stand and approach in case anything was to happen but Ferdinand emerges with no issues whatsoever.</p><p>They all watch as Ferdinand stands at the bottom of the small steps leading up to the pod, waiting with bated breath for him to say something, for something to go wrong but Ferdinand turns to look at his mother. Time seems to stop and melt at that moment as Ferdinand gasps. His face morphs into shock and then awe. Tears well up and soon Hubert is watching a tearful reunion between mother and son. He flies into her arms and disintegrates into joyful sobs. They clutch each other tightly and Lucretia murmurs kind words into Ferdinand’s hair. My sweet boy, my darling, and the like. </p><p>A painful, crawling sensation wriggles its way into Hubert’s stomach as he sips the coffee, trying to make it go away. It echoes the sensation of the nightmare and his dreams of being a beast. The drowning. The breathlessness. The panic. Perhaps he is wishing that Ferdinand would fly into his arms and hold him close like he is his mother? Would that be a balm to his growing quiet distress? But Ferdinand deserves the sweet reunion after having been through so much. He deserves his mother’s love and her kindness and yet the ugly feeling continues to tangle up inside of Hubert. Sinister thoughts are no stranger to him but the one that passes his mind as he stands there sipping on his coffee leaves him baffled. He downs the rest of the cup and places it on the table. Manuela turns to him, about to ask him something but he has to leave immediately.</p><p>He should be going to see Edelgard to tell her that Ferdinand is awake. He should be telling his companions on the Black Eagle Strike Force the good news but instead, he makes a detour for his room and then his office. Sitting at his desk he fusses with a latch to open a hidden drawer in his desk, feeling around to find what he is searching for. He pulls out the letter that Ferdinand wrote to him before he went to sleep. The white envelope has his name written neatly on the front. This tiny thing has haunted him for months and now, at this moment when he is at his most untethered, he longs to find some solace in Ferdinand’s own words. Maybe an answer that he has hidden there in his scripture. He holds the letter in his hands, pausing and strokes his finger over the pen strokes before carefully opening the envelope with a knife he that has to hand, pulling the folded parchment free.</p><p>The letter begins with the words <em>“Dearest Hubert”</em> and he then finds himself sinking into the page, longing for the sweet embrace of Ferdinand at bedtime, sleepy and gentle. He bites down the destructive hunger as he focuses instead on the sweetness of the moment. The way his hands would gently stroke up and down his spine, fingertip by fingertip. </p><p>
  <em>“I am about to do something that I would not blame if you got angry at me for. By this point, I will be asleep and restoring my memories back to their original state. I am sorry for not talking this through with you. I’m scared that if I do you and El will somehow talk me out of it. I’m sure you wouldn’t but I have to try being brave and doing something for myself, especially after the kindness you have both shown me.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>These past few weeks have been a joy. I know that I have frustrated you as I followed you around. You never did seem to like it even when we were young but between you and me, I think you do. I cherish every moment we spent together. I am sorry Hubert. I didn’t wish to betray your trust like this. I hope you understand.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>There has been an empty feeling inside me that just wouldn’t go away. As I sit here and write this I am full of fear that the memories will be so terrible that I break. I fear that I won’t be the same person I am now. I fear that you will hate me.”</em>
</p><p>Hubert stops and covers his face with his hands. He can hear Ferdinand’s sad little voice, he can imagine him clinging gently to his sleeve as he begs him not to hate him. The vision cuts him. He breathes deep and then continues on to the last part.</p><p>
  <em>“No matter what, I promise to myself and to you that I will be brave. When I wake up I would like to talk with you, hopefully as equals. I want to help you and Edelgard make the Federation a better place.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I care for you deeply, Hubert. Please know that. No matter what happens. I want you to be sure of that, even if you don’t remember me.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Yours,</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Ferdinand”</em>
</p><p>He straightens up, folds the letter and returns it to the envelope, placing it inside the drawer, shutting it away from prying eyes. The feeling from earlier eases. He pulls out a journal from another hidden drawer and begins to recount last night’s dream for later analysis and his feelings about Ferdinand’s letter. It has been too long since he sat and indulged in this but Hubert’s instincts tell him that he stands on a precipice of something. If dealing with Ferdinand’s situation has taught him anything, he is putting trust in his subconsciousness trying to tell him something. He needs to put them down somewhere before they spill out in a way that is dangerous and unmanageable. So he writes deep into the morning. Edelgard can wait for the news. She will understand.</p><p>-</p><p>For the next few days, Ferdinand spends time with his mother under the watchful gazes of Manuela and Linhardt. Thankfully the pair don’t ask him anything about how he feels mentally beyond the cursory checks that he is stable enough to spend time with his mother. Strangely, they don’t bring up that he put himself back to sleep for a few hours after his initial awakening. Did they notice or are they waiting until his mother leaves him alone to question him? They must be. But despite the fear and paranoia from the doll part of himself, he trusts them. They let him make the decision to try to put himself back together. They’ve shown him that he has complete control over this. Yet he’s sure the reason his mother is allowed to visit so often is because Manuela believes that spending time with her would be beneficial to his wellbeing. And it is… sort of.</p><p>His mother is very gentle. She sits with him in the medical bay with pots of fragrant tea and her perfume scenting the room. Her voice lilts like a songbird as she regales him with tales of what she had been up to since his disappearance. It’s awkward to start with. After the initial embrace and tears on the first day where the childish side of him seemed to take the helm, they come to a point where they don’t know what to talk about as his current self steps back into the foreground. Ferdinand’s attention is all over the place, as his mind still tries to reconcile the different parts of himself. The doll, the child and who he is now, whatever that may be. His grip on reality is tenuous at best but his mother doesn’t expect anything of him. She just seems so happy to be with him and if he doesn’t feel like talking she will talk with Manuela instead and he can listen to their tales of the opera. He knows objectively that he used to love their stories of sneaking out gowns from the opera’s wardrobes to go to lavish parties. He thinks he used to think that they were like princesses running off from the evil witch of the company mistress. They laugh and titter as they discuss the various Counts, Dukes and Lords of Adrestian high society but every so often they hit on a name that makes mind fly and his stomach flip. Sometimes a beep sounds in the room and Linhardt or Manuela writes something down. He tries to ground himself in the feeling of the chair, the smell of the tea and the way the computer equipment hums but he finds himself spacing out, trapped in the doll’s body once again. The conversation moves on and he tries to collect his mind as it flies off to the depths, recounting a moment with the mentioned person. It’s never good but he sits quietly, spacing out.</p><p>He’s brought back to reality with a gentle hand on his own. His mother’s sweet voice calling his name. “Ferdinand… Ferdie… Are you still with me?”</p><p>He nods and takes in the relief that floods her features. He feels relief too. He can come back from this.</p><p>She brushes a lock of hair behind his ear, her smile warm as she tries to soothe him. “I’m so glad… won’t you eat something? I haven’t seen you eat anything today.”</p><p>Ferdinand’s stomach lurches as he instantly turns and looks to the food tray filled with delicate sandwiches and cakes. He can’t stop himself reaching out and grotesquely stuffing his face as he breaks down into sobs. He tries to fight against it. He doesn’t understand why this is happening? His programming should be broken. He shouldn’t be obeying people like this any more. </p><p>Through the crumbs Ferdinand watches as Linhardt comes into his view with his clipboard, ready to take notes. “Tell him to stop Lucrecia.” </p><p>“Ferdinand please stop.”</p><p>Relief floods him as he stops, dropping the handful of cake back on the platter. Linhardt hums and writes something down and shows it to his mother.</p><p>“Ferdinand, stand up and touch your toes.”</p><p>Like a puppet on a string, he stands up and touches his toes. “Please stop this,” he begs. “I don’t want to be ordered around any more. Mama… please…”</p><p>“Alright my darling, I’ll just have to be more careful then. I’m sorry for causing you distress. I did not intend to.”</p><p>Linhardt hums and nods in agreement. “I do want to test to see if Hubert has a similar effect on you as he did before but I think I know why your mother’s orders may have such a hold on you if what I have seen is to be true. With your consent, I’d like to test it.”</p><p>Ferdinand nods. “I guess but… not now. I don’t want to do any of that now,” he says, his throat feeling a little dry.</p><p>His mother hands him some water. “Would you like to be left alone for now darling?” Ferdinand shakes his head and sips the water, reaching for an unmauled finger sandwich to nibble on, his appetite returning.</p><p>“I want to know what happened to you after my abduction,” he says as he quietly eats and drinks, still sluggish from his long sleep and his subsequent secret nap. Lucretia begins to tell him the tale of when she lost him and her struggles in needing to disappear from the Adrestian Federation to find solace in the Leicester Alliance territories and further afield in the Dagdan quadrants.</p><p>“It was a very difficult period in my life,” she begins, nursing a cup of tea in her hands. Her elegant fingers running over the porcelain. “I couldn’t rely on the funds or the support networks that I had built up throughout my life. The council was watching my every move and I wasn’t about to go back to your father’s estate, to be shut away like a songbird. I was foolish for trying to make a break with you as I did. I regret not planning more…” she trails off, needing to breathe deep for a second. Ferdinand reaches his hand out to clasp hers and she squeezes it tightly, using it to tether the rest of her story. Her voice shakes as she continues. “I believed at first that he wanted to punish me for running away by snatching you on the beach that day. I feared that he had killed you for my insubordination.” She gulps and looks Ferdinand in the eye, tears welling up. He wants to believe that he feels her love in her words as she confesses, “There hasn’t been a day that went by where I didn’t think about you, my darling.” Her hand brushes his cheek, caressing it gently. “I hope you understand why I had to run. I searched for you. I really did. I tried to pull together what resources I could but no matter how much myself and Melinda searched. You know Lorenz’s mother she ended up leaving the Count too.”</p><p>Ferdinand reached for his teacup to sip the now lukewarm liquid as he murmured, “I still don’t understand what the events were that led up to…”</p><p>His mother was silent for a moment, she dabbed her eyes with a handkerchief from her breast pocket and she looked towards the window, searching for the words.</p><p>“Well… Your father. I didn’t really want to marry him in the first place to be quite honest with you. He was very persistent, and I thought that through marrying him I could have a more stable life than one an actress could offer. It wasn’t unusual for women in the company to get opportunities like this but to marry someone so high up in government. Well, it came with its perks but I didn’t grow to love him like I had hoped I would. I hated him. But giving birth to you was my greatest joy. I treasured you and there was no doubt that you were taking after me in all the ways that counted.”</p><p>Ferdinand nodded and stood. Something vibrated in his brain. He needed to be somewhere quiet where he wouldn’t be disturbed and there was only one place he could think of: The Azrael. “I would like to go for a walk.” His mother made her way to stand with Manuela, Linhardt looked up from his papers and books but they all stopped when he shook his head. “Alone, please. I want some time for myself, thank you. I will return later.” To his relief, no one stopped him from moving to leave the room or they were maybe too shocked to respond to his sensible sounding request, exiting out into the hallway as he quickly paced down the hallway before they changed their minds and made him return to the medical ward, trying not to draw attention as he made his way to the aircraft hangars. The Black Eagles Strike Force seemed to be elsewhere.</p><p>Azrael shone in her shiny black chrome and a sense of peace flooded through him as she let him inside with a touch of his hand. She knew him, she recognised him and accepted him with no qualms. He made his way upstairs to the ship console and placed his hands down on the control panel and watched the AI come to life through lights and beeps. He had never done something like this before or at least not like this, but he was so altered that he supposed that it wouldn’t be impossible for him to communicate with her in this way. Still, he had to try. </p><p>He closed his eyes and focused, letting his consciousness drift, reaching out to grasp onto her essence. She accepted him into her network. Warmth filled his body as she showed him pictures of Hubert working hard. How lonely he seemed to be in deep space. It was like she was asking him to take care of Hubert and how he had wanted to but he didn’t know he could. The urge to destroy him still stuck deep within him. He stepped away from the console and silently thanked her for her time. He needed to come up with a plan of some sort to free himself, to free Hubert. </p><p>What would he tell Hubert? What could he tell him? He could show him his memories of his capture on Linhardt’s console but what good would that do? How would he react to the news that his mind had also been compromised? </p><p>And then there was his mother… he loved her. She clearly regretted ever putting him in danger and was overjoyed to have him back but Ferdinand felt like he didn’t belong anymore. He was lost, his entire being fractured and at risk of shattering further. </p><p>“What do I do?” he whispered into the air of the ship. “I’m so lost…”</p><p>But the air shifted as the doors to the Azrael opened and in stepped Hubert. Of course, she would have alerted him that he was here. Of course! But he stood before him now awake, taller than him and tired. A pang of need crawled through him, the need to care for Hubert and make sure he was healthy but he quashed it as they stared at each other in silence for a few moments.</p><p>“I hope you’re not planning to steal my ship?” Hubert’s voice cut through the air.</p><p>Ferdinand shook his head. “I just needed to get away from everyone for a little bit. This seemed to be the place to go…”</p><p>In a second Hubert stepped forward, closer, crowding Ferdinand in with his height, holding him close, his nose buried in his hair, inhaling deeply, indulgently, almost scenting him. Ferdinand’s hands found their way around Hubert’s waist as he clutched him close, his fingers spreading after their grasp. He no longer craves physical affection constantly from Hubert. Because of Linhardt’s efforts, it no longer hurts not to be touched but the thrill of joy that tingled through him at their close contact is undeniable. They stood for a moment breathing, moulding together in the silence of the ship. Hubert’s hands travelled from his shoulders to cup his face, tilting it up so that their eyes could meet. Chartreuse boring into Amber.</p><p>Hubert’s voice emerges deep and warm, “I am tired of you being a mystery to me. I want to know who you are Ferdinand. Perhaps it won’t be today or even tomorrow or next week or next month, but I wish to know you.”</p><p>“But I don’t even know myself Hubert and the things I do know, I don’t know if I wish for anyone to know but I know that if anyone were to know, I would want you to know deeply. I want to invite you deeper” is what Ferdinand would like to say. He would inhale as he makes a small noise and Hubert’s thumbs stroke his face. He would feel Hubert bending down, he would know that they are about to kiss. He knows in his heart that it would probably be sweet and perfect, Hubert would kiss like the perfect gentleman. He imagines Hubert’s gentle kiss, encompassing him wholly, deepening slowly, easing him in until he is engulfed and consumed and fully part of Hubert’s being, unable to do anything but cling tightly and surrender.</p><p>But that is not what happens because Ferdinand feels the doll fighting for control inside him. The urge to become placid and pleasing only to stab Hubert in the back. So, he steps back, grasping one of Hubert’s hands, nuzzling against it with his cheek to show him that he isn’t against any physical contact with a sad smile. “Maybe one day…” is his reply. Weak. Flimsy. Just a means to get away and escape from the intense feelings. “Shall we go visit Edelgard?” he weakly suggests, trying to deflect.</p><p>Thankfully Hubert accepts this and nods, leading him out of the Azrael. But as they leave the ship a loud alarm sounds signalling the arrival of a pair of ships. They watch the ships descend, one from the Blue Lion and one from the Golden Deer squadrons. They are both larger craft for carrying large numbers of passengers. The doors of the craft open and the pilots leave. Hubert stiffens up for a moment and mutters a curse as he seems to remember something.</p><p>“Ferdinand, I need to talk to them. Please go find Edelgard yourself,” he says, as he begins to stride towards them.</p><p>Ferdinand nods and turns around to leave without question but as he does he hears his name being called by not one but two voices, a male and a female. Turning again he spots the two pilots in their flight gear, a Sylvain Jose Gautier, who he recognizes from spending time with before his sleep. It’s not him who is calling for him but a Lorenz Hellman Gloucester, one of his oldest and dearest friends from childhood and another friend who he had not seen in the longest time, someone who disappeared, Constance Von Nuvelle. And she was running towards him at full speed, arms open with Lorenz following behind. Ferdinand can do nothing but accept their embraces as they crash into him. Hubert’s voice cuts through, trying to get the pair to calm down but they hold him tightly and Ferdinand does not know what to do. He is afraid, he is elated, he is past and present, and everything is fracturing inside him, the child, the doll and whoever he is now all fighting for control. Fighting to be the fragment that is at the forefront. His head hurts so much that he crumples on the ground, hoping for it all to stop.</p><p>Hubert steps in before he can be overwhelmed to the point of passing out, gently leading him out of his friend’s excitable embraces. He can hear him give some sort of explanation but he’s not really listening. He guides Ferdinand away and back inside towards Edelgard’s room but he’s not really here. It’s like he’s looking at one of the memories from his time as a doll as he walks with Hubert. He is numb. He is not here. Time stretches and contracts. He wants to be free of this desperately.</p><p>But when he’s brought before Edelgard and she sits with him. Hubert makes tea. Slowly, slowly he comes back to himself. The bergamot tethers him to reality and Edelgard’s gentle voice, the scent of coffee, Hubert’s gentle report to the princess. They are all threads that tie him down and stop him from floating away until eventually he looks at Edelgard and feels like he can breathe again.</p><p>She smiles warmly and says “Thank goodness… I’m glad you’re back Ferdinand. I missed you.”</p><p>“I missed you too” he responds, his voice feeling rough. Hubert sits with them and his heart feels soothed. “Thank you for waiting for me, both of you.”</p><p>Edelgard nods and sips her tea and the afternoon passes gently as Ferdinand takes tea with her and Hubert. They share news. Hubert had been away in deep space again and Edelgard had been working on some mission management over here while Ferdinand slept. It’s not anything Ferdinand understands but he listens. A warmth fills him as he considers how much he treasures moments like these. Quiet and unassuming. He may not be completely engaged but it doesn’t matter. One day he will get himself back together. One day he will get what he wants. </p><p>And it won’t be Hubert’s gasping throat in his hands. He won’t let that happen. Ferdinand vows to himself to try and find a way out of that seemingly inevitable moment. He will piece himself back together, he will help Hubert remember and he will get his righteous justice for not only himself and Hubert but for the countless people who were surely treated or are about to be treated the same way he was. Even if it’s the last thing he does.</p>
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<a name="section0009"><h2>9. Chapter 9</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Surprise. It’s not dead! Sorry for the huge delay. Life stuff.</p><p>I hope you like it. Feel free to scream at me in the comments!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Hubert von Vestra knew better than anyone that knowledge was power and that curiosity could be deadly but that did not stop him from desiring to know all of Ferdinand’s intricacies. Since returning to Garreg Mach, neither Linhardt nor Manuela would allow him access to Ferdinand’s archives, no matter how much he tried to weasel, rightfully, that the Adrestian Federation’s future galactical security potentially hinged on the information locked away in those encrypted files. It was maddening knowing that here, in this space where he was used to being the keeper of secrets that information was being kept from him.</p><p>Linhardt languidly slumped at his console, sipping on a beverage, scribbling something down on his pad, not even glancing Hubert’s way as he asks again for what feels like the thousandth time this week when in reality it probably only has been maybe the third.</p><p>His bored voice drones, “No. As Manuela has told you it breaches patient confidentiality. Not even his birth mother can see them anyway.”</p><p>The itch niggled deeper. His need felt so irrational and yet…. “So, Manuela can see them?”</p><p>“No, she can’t. I have seen enough to know that they were uncorrupted but the only one who can give you access is Ferdinand himself.” Linhardt’s gormless expression gazes up at him as he rests a cheek on his hand. “So ask him if you want to go invade his most intimate private thoughts and experiences that were taken away from him through a highly advanced chip system and some brainwashing or other neural conditioning.” And Hubert should feel guilty as Linhardt’s singsong-y mocking voice pierces into his mind but the urge to dig deeper into understanding Ferdinand, is maddening that he almost misses the scientist’s bashful disclaimer of, “The last part is only a hypothesis though, but I am confident in it.”</p><p>If Linhardt were an enemy this is the point where he would resort to blackmailing, intimidation or some other tool in his ghastly arsenal but instead he closes his eyes for a moment, breathes and refocuses, urging the headache to leave him. “Well can you tell me about the convoy that the Deer and Lion team brought back from Nuvelle? Are any of the refugees showing similar conditions to Ferdinand?”</p><p>“Maybe. That is why Manuela and Ferdinand are with them right now.”</p><p>“Without you?”</p><p>Linhardt yawns and glances up at Hubert. His face, the perfect picture of boredom. “I have other things to do, such as being bothered by you it seems.”</p><p>Hubert snorted, Linhardt’s point tactlessly made but he nods and leaves the lab. As he walks to where the refugees are being housed he pulls out the data pad from his coat pocket and glances down at the messages from his network and Asrael. The headache still does not pass. As he reads through the reports, he wrestles with the niggling irritation at the feeling of being the only one out of the loop in terms of Ferdinand and his non-existent memories surrounding him. And although there’s nothing new reported by his network, but when he checks his secondary feed, there is a message from his father as if sensing his internal disquiet. Why on earth is he contacting him now? He makes a detour to his room to read it in private.</p><p>-</p><p>There are many refugee children playing in the courtyard. Ferdinand watches them, a sense of loss and envy enveloping his heart as they run around joyously at their newfound freedom from his table in the shade. Manuela asked him earlier in the week to come with her to help assess if any showed similar symptoms to his own. They both hoped that there weren’t but Ferdinand was eager to help if he could and happy for the time in the sunshine, feeling somewhat useful.</p><p>“Ah there you are!” a nostalgic voice calls as Lorenz sits down across from him. Ferdinand blinks the double vision of younger Lorenz away as he smiles. “I had been looking everywhere for you, but I didn’t know you would be with the refugees. I must simply apologise for the other day!” Lorenz gushes. “I did not mean to startle you so but as I’m sure you can imagine, Constance and I were simply elated at our reunion.”</p><p>“Yes, it’s good to see you too, my friend. I apologise for the awkwardness on my part as well. I’m still adjusting to seeing people from the past.”</p><p>It’s great to watch Lorenz lean back languidly and twirl his hands in the air as he weaves his explanation, “You see, it was only a couple of months ago when I was asked about my connection to you and then I go off on a mission with Sylvain. It was simply ghastly working with him! Competent and skilled as he may be, his banter is not appreciated in the slightest.”</p><p>“I’m afraid I don’t follow…” he says and then Lorenz is off on a highly detailed tale about every piece of gossip known to man about Sylvain Jose Gautier. Ferdinand finds himself sinking into the comforting atmosphere, only feeling like the only thing missing is a perfectly brewed cup of tea.</p><p>“So you see… when it came to collecting Constance it was quite the ordeal. He just can’t keep his mouth shut! And…” At this point, Lorenz’s cheeks are pink as he flips his pin straight hair over his shoulder elegantly.</p><p>“He’s not that bad from my experience… Well… He did try to sweet talk Manuela while we played chess but that was only once.”</p><p>“One example of his indiscretions out of many! You are lucky to not have been a victim to his vile behaviour.”</p><p>“I hardly think he’s vile, my friend.”</p><p>“Oh please do not tell me he has made designs upon wooing you!”</p><p>Ferdinand blushes and raises his hands in defence, “No no! I assure you he has not and even if he did… I would not be interested!”</p><p>Lorenz hums and rests his chin on the back of his hand, raising a perfectly manicured eyebrow and then looks towards the children as he says, “That is a relief.”</p><p>It is also a relief how comfortable Ferdinand finds this situation, how normal and ordinary it feels to be sitting here with Lorenz gossiping the day away but when Lorenz turns the conversation towards his disappearance, his stomach twists and unlike the other day Hubert is not here to sense his distress and Manuela seems to be elsewhere.</p><p>“I did miss you, you know,” Lorenz says, trying to seem casual but his fingers tap nervously against his face, betraying his calm voice. “My mother told me that you had died in an accident and it wouldn’t have been proper for me to ask your mother… There’s so much I wish you could have seen growing up.” It shocks Ferdinand just how grown up he looks as he wistfully gazes off at a pair of boys playing with wooden swords in the distance, reminiscent of their own adventures as boys.</p><p>“I wish I could have seen it too… but you’ll tell me, won’t you? What I missed out on?”</p><p>Mischief sparkles in Lorenz’ eyes as he turns them back to Ferdinand, “Why of course! It would be remiss of me to not fill you in of all the goings on that I’m sure Edelgard and Hubert have not!”</p><p>But still, despite the comfortable atmosphere, Ferdinand can’t help but ask, “You’re not going to ask me about where I’ve been or…”</p><p>“Not unless you wish to talk about it. It’s none of my business unless you make it so. You are here and you are safe and that is all that matters to me, frankly,” Lorenz says, his hand flourishing in the air again as he stands. “I’m parched. Shall we go find a pot of tea?”</p><p>“I’m supposed to be here to keep an eye on the children,” Ferdinand says with an apologetic smile.</p><p>“Give me a moment then, I will return, and we can watch them together then.”</p><p>It did not take long for Lorenz to return with the tea and some snacks. The afternoon passed easily and although Lorenz’s stories of life at Garreg Mach and his work with the Golden Deer were all enthralling, he couldn’t help but notice a few children that despite the games and play going on around the gardens, seemed <em>off</em>. Three children just didn’t seem to be all there, their eyes distant. It would be easy to miss them because they melted into the background, but Ferdinand <em>knew</em>. He knew that look intimately. It was a look he used to have.</p><p>Lorenz tilts his head elegantly as he winds up on a story and looks towards where Ferdinand’s eyes are. “Is something the matter?”</p><p>“Yes but I don’t know what to do about it…”</p><p>“Well I remember that you were always good at solving problems. I’m sure you’ll figure something out. Mother joked that we were born diplomats!”</p><p>He made a note of the children in his mind, imprinting their faces into his memory for further investigation. He would mention them to Manuela later. It’s what she wanted from him after all. Maybe later he could try giving them the same opportunities and kindnesses he had been given from the people here. Maybe they would appreciate an understanding from someone who had been in shoes similar to theirs, although he hoped that they had never been exploited like he had been and even then, he was still healing himself and not always guaranteed to be the most stable. Still, he felt responsible for these children, even if he had no real obligation towards them.</p><p>The calm moment dissipated as the air shifted, causing the tea-set to rattle slightly. The loud noise was due to a plane taking off through the atmosphere causing a loud noise. Groups of children yelled in delight, pointing upwards at the plane that Ferdinand recognised, it was the Azrael. He wondered where he could be going. Some of the children covered their ears in displeasure at the sudden noises but the ones that Ferdinand had noted, did not even blink in reaction. That was worrying.</p><p>“The Azrael? I wonder why Hubert left so soon after arriving… He must be going off on some covert mission knowing him,” Lorenz mused, peering over his cup rim at Ferdinand.</p><p>“He didn’t say anything…” Ferdinand murmured, wanting to abandon his post and ask Edelgard where Hubert had gone but he sits stiffly.</p><p>Lorenz sighs and shakes his head, with a gentle smile. “Go. I will watch over the children and you can go and see what happened.”</p><p>Ferdinand nods as he stands, “Thank you, my friend.” He leaves the table quickly, feeling guilty for leaving behind the children but he trusts Lorenz to keep them out of mischief while he goes to hunt down Edelgard and find out where Hubert went. He wanted to believe that it was just a small flight, but it feels like there are shards of rock splintered and embedded in his stomach as he rushes into the Black Eagles building and through the hallways to Edelgard’s office.</p><p>He bursts into the room to find Edelgard sitting on a couch, a data pad in her hand as Dimitri paces the room, discussing something. Ferdinand flushes in embarrassment for a second as the eyes in the room fall upon him. He clearly was interrupting a meeting of some sort. Dimitri’s eyebrow raises as his single eye looks at him in question but before he can excuse himself with a bashful apology Edelgard smiles, stands and nods towards Dimitri, saying “One moment please,” as she goes to meet Ferdinand at the threshold, shutting the door to leave the two of them outside in the corridor. “What’s the matter, Ferdinand?” she asks, concern clear in her face and voice.</p><p>Shame fills him but he meets Edelgard’s eyes, determined to not waste her time any longer than necessary. “Hubert left in the Azrael moments ago.”</p><p>Her eyebrows raise slightly, she glances down at the data pad still in her hand and taps a few times before her face morphs into a frown. “That is unlike him… usually he would message me if he were leaving Garreg Mach on an unscheduled flight.”</p><p>His stomach twists tighter but Edelgard reaches out and pats shoulder gently. “I can send a message to find out where he is. I’m sure it just slipped his mind. Hubert always has a number of sensitive operations in motion. Perhaps this time he forgot to message in his hurry? He’ll undoubtedly do so if he doesn’t return first.”</p><p>It’s not that Ferdinand does not believe her, but the memory of Hubert in the crown comes to the forefront of his mind again and his stomach twists tightly. Edelgard looks towards the door of her office and then she leaves Ferdinand for a moment as she pokes her head inside, talking to Dimitri. Dimitri comes to the door, face serious but not unkind. There’s a concern in his eye but he smiles politely as he says, “I hope you resolve your situation. We shall conclude this meeting another time.”</p><p>As he departs, Edelgard ushers Ferdinand into the office before dialling the number to the space control room on her data pad. He sits down on the couch with her, trying to urge himself not to float away in panic as the video feed launches showing the faces of the staff working there. Ferdinand can’t focus on their conversation, his fingers tapping on his leg in an unsteady rhythm as he watches Edelgard’s lips move as she talks. Her face shifts from a neutral gaze to neutral with an edge of concern. She nods, smiles tightly and then ends the call, turning to face all her attention towards Ferdinand.</p><p>“They know nothing either, but he did go through the proper launching processes so there’s nothing out of order there. I trust your instinct, but I am curious as to why you are so urgently concerned. Is it to do with your memories?”</p><p>Ferdinand’s tapping stops.</p><p>“It is, isn’t it?” she presses slowly. “Will you tell me?”</p><p>A lump forms in Ferdinand’s throat. He closes his eyes and breathes, trying to find the words to describe the things he had never told anyone but Edelgard is patient. He digs for the memory and pictures it clearly but try as he might, he can’t tell her. He is afraid that if he starts he will never stop and he is not ready yet but will he ever be ready? A wave of dizziness crashes over him as Edelgard reaches out to hold his hand.</p><p>“Ferdinand, it’s okay. You don’t have to. Just breathe slowly for me,” her voice cutting through the static as she breathes in and out slowly, in demonstration. He tries to match his breath to her own slow and measured pace. He focuses on the feeling of her hands, they are smaller than his and covered in pale, buttery soft leather gloves.</p><p>Slowly the panic subsides but he is left sluggish. He stands and makes his way to the door, Edelgard following behind him. She’s talking but he has something he needs to do and so the words don’t process properly in his mind. He makes his way to Linhardt’s laboratory, flinging the door open to a surprised Linhardt.</p><p>“I need to see the footage you took from me,” he says. “I need to check something.”</p><p>A flash of fear shoots through Linhardt’s eyes before he turns to open up the programme. Ferdinand can hear Manuela and Linhardt conversing behind him, their voices firm and snappish but he doesn’t care as he watches the images flash up on the screen. He almost shoves Linhardt out of his seat as he sits down to interface with the system, his eyes closing as he asks the computer to bring him a specific memory. The AI is familiar with him and he knows it well by now, especially since spending a lot of time in its care. He silently pleads with it to bring him the memory no matter how afraid he is.</p><p>But what is he afraid of?</p><p>-</p><p>Descending the ramp of the Azrael is like trekking through treacle. Hubert knows he is not drunk or poisoned and yet, something has taken hold of him. His facilities are escaping him fast. He is met by a man at the foot of the ramp, tall and dark accompanied by the tone of a bell. His mind is torn in two by opposing feelings of relief and terror. It’s like taking a shot, the burn of alcohol ripping through his system and yet he has consumed nothing. In his last fragments of sanity he reaches around his finger to the ring he was given by Edelgard and presses into the indentation as his knees give way.</p><p>He pushes himself up into kneeling at the feet of his dark man as his mind goes blank, his face pressing into his thigh, nose edging high on the seam of the leather breeches inhaling the scent there, saliva pooling in his mouth.</p><p>A hand curls into his hair, petting languidly as the man chuckles.</p><p>“It’s time for you to follow your orders, Hubert.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Again, thanks for your patience. Really appreciate it. </p><p>I’d love to know what you think in the comments!</p>
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